Update

I have been approved for disability finally as I have PTSD, Pulmonary Hypertension, Anxiety/Panic disorder, chronic pain and migraines. I have had 2 partial humorous replacements as I have cancer in that bone and just a year ago got a FULL humorous and elbow replacement which has left me with only the use of my right hand.... the elbow and shoulder do not work. I have  had my gallbladder and appendix
out, had 2 lumps removed from my left shoulder and a PCL replacement in my right knee. I am on oxygen 24/7
Due to help of friends and family and Utah Crime Victims I was able to send my baby puppy to service dog school and I just got him back home about 2 weeks ago and he has been amazing and such a help to me.
I REALLY want to loose some weight but don't have the money to eat healthy or am unable to spend grocery money wisely... and help would be appreciated!

How my body and mind work

You want a day in my mind?
Well... here goes.

I stay asleep as long as I can so I don't have to deal with the pain in my body and the thoughts in my mind (I wake up many times but force myself back to sleep).... although most of the time terror finds me even in my sleep. My dreams are terrible and sometimes I wake up and start thinking after I calm down that "That would make an excellent scary movie". And if I wake up scared from a dream I carry that fear with me.
When I cant sleep any longer all I want to do is lie in bed....I don't want to get up and leave the house...I would rather stay home and be more comfortable there than I would if I'd be going out into public.
It really has nothing to do with being lazy... I just don't want to face the day.

My brother whom I live with and also my parents whom I stay with often cant understand this part of my life...they give me the hardest time about not being up and eating in the morning like "Normal People" and they think if I would just get up and face the day I would feel so much better. I know there is some truth there...I cant live my life in bed and I would probably feel better in ways if I got up and ate like a normal person... but why wake up and get up when there is nothing to do???
At the same time, I have horrible insomnia that keeps me up all night and I get so scared about car doors closing and noises I hear outside that I have to wake up my brother to check things out. When I finally fall asleep I sometimes wake up my brother again as I am screaming bloody murder in my sleep from my night terrors... sometimes I even wake up from night terrors and truly believe that its really happening so I call on the phone or scream for my brother to turn on the lights. For instance one time I thought a BIG black bird was in my bed, under the covers flapping its wings and when my brother answered his phone and heard me screaming for him, he came to my room and turned on the lights and I realized I was seeing things.

Now I will tell you about some of the things that happen while I am up and at it.
*There is a cat that sits in the neighbors yard facing our house on a post he can barely fit on.... I think he is watching me and it freaks me out.
*I found a camcorder my brother had sitting out yesterday I had never before seen and I asked him if he has been recording me...he said no, but part of me thinks that he is invading my privacy
*In my car I am fine because I can lock the doors and roll up my windows....and could punch the gas if someone walks up to me... but out of the car I need to be able to see where everyone is that's around me and  if there are more people than I can account for I freak out.
*I want to go to church, but I know there will be a lot of people there....and just because your Mormon means nothing to me anymore...not even the bishop... anyone is capable of hurting.
*My short term memory is shot and I get yelled at a lot for not remembering things that were just said supposedly. I hear "I told you the last three days about this!!!!" and it scares me when people yell...definitely a trigger for my PTSD flashbacks.
*Even though as it would seem impossible because I am overweight.... I hardly eat. There is no hunger and I forget about it until right before I fall asleep.
*I cant focus enough to understand something for me in the mail... my brother has to read it and tell me.
*I cant keep track of my bills so my dad does all my accounting for me, which is hard because all I hear is how much money I don't have, this bill needs to be paid, etc....
*Recently I didn't take any pain pills during the day and was in a really good mood, laughing and all, and all anyone had to say is "How many pills have you taken and what have you done with KayLeigh?".
*I think people talk about me behind my back so I try and listen in on anything I can...which isn't often I might add because I have hearing problems from chemo.
*The only people I hang out with are Justin (The brother I live with), my Parents, and my brother Shane and his kids and my brother Sean and his family if they are around.
*I am very obsessive about music and movies and such and I get very offended if no body will listen with me or watch with me when I ask.
*I am constantly having some sort of pain in my body...which is hard for people to believe...but its true. One minute I might me having a pain in my arm and the next minute I have pain in my foot.
*Pain is so hard for me to deal with.... my doctor says that its the combination of everything that makes everything intolerable, that most people just have "back pain"... not "back pain, knee pain, arm pain, stomach issues, cramping in feet and legs, swelling, numbness, wounds that wont heal, migraines, asthma, low oxygen, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, PTSD, etc...
*I hate asking for help...when I set up my "gofundme" account I seriously put so much thought and sweat into it that when it came down to making a decision I cried about it for days. It bugs me still that I did that and I over analyze everything and everyone that I ask for help from. Seriously, I know that some people CANNOT financially help me and I am FINE with that as I understand.... but that person could still be capable of "Sharing" my story. Everyday I think about closing it and giving back all the money but I know deep down how much I need this dog yesterday.
*I just lost my health benefits thru my work and it bothers me so much, its all I can think about as I don't have the money to pay for my prescriptions which need to be filled now. And since I had cancer all I have been told is "Insurance, insurance, insurance" from my parents.
*I haven't worked since the middle of June as my doctors haven't released me to work yet... and I have been told that I will be terminated by Sept 20th if I am not back. If I cant go back than it is SSI for me which haunts me a lot... how will I ever get my own place? How will I pay off my bills?

I think that is enough for now.
I'm sorry if I come across overbearing, ungrateful, needy, that I don't care or listen, and/or confusing at times.

I am not going to stop trying to better myself, stop trying to go back to church, or stop trying to get my service dog.







I know how much a Service Dog would change everything above because I see how much that silly kitten at my parents over the summer helped and how much Lucy helps me... but to be able to have a Service Dog to go everywhere with me and be a second pair of eyes, that can help me get out and about to do the things my heart so desires, that will help me get out walking so that I can maybe loose some weight and get off some heavy medication, and help me go to sleep when I should and wake up at a reasonable time WILL HELP so so much!!! I know it!!! I wont give up.




I know that the Gospel is true, and I know that at church and thru callings and going to the temple I will find peace and comfort as I did before....I wont give up on trying to go back to it all.

A Survivor Speaks Out..STOP Violence Against Women!

I still have yet made a trip to church.
I desire to go, yet I do not.

I think a lot of the turmoil in my heart is that I know what I need to do, yet I do not do it. I have stopped most of my bad habits.... but it is not enough.

In my lifetime I have been thru many, many things. And, I feel the need to vent a little...and this is more for me than for any of you.

 I had cancer at a young age which most of you know. I fought for my life, and a time came during that trial where to Lord offered to welcome  me home.  I turned it down, I wondered "How can my mother loose another child?". I wanted to stay....and I did.

Later in life I served a mission, it was not in my plans, but 21 was coming up quick and I took a leap of faith and submitted my papers. At the time I was dating many great men and I honestly think that if I had stayed home...I would have married.

I left to Cali, I returned home after getting a bug that no antibiotic could kill. After they removed my tonsils (where the "yuck" lived), I felt fine.



A few months later I was victim to date rape. My world came crumbling down around me. Instead of turning to the Lord I got angry... I would still have been on my mission if I had not gotten sick. Why would He request that I come home early for something so ugly to happen? I was doing HIS work.

I turned my back on my beliefs...I thought "How would anyone ever want a temple marriage with me?"

A year later I was back in church...started dating the Elders Quorum President....he made my worst fear come to life. He rejected me after months and months of dating because I was not a virgin and because of the bad choices I made the months following.

I fell again.

I have told maybe three people about the following thing, but maybe I need to get it out?! I have not shared because who could have something like this happen again in their life? Is there something wrong with me? Also I didn't want to share because I didn't want my family to blame themselves. If they read this.... please know that their is nothing anyone could have done. It was my fault that I was drinking the way I was...alone. It was my choice to do that. The reason I am sharing now, is that I want to be vocal about my life from here on out. I would one day like to speak out against violence and Rape!!! I want to document how I became a Survivor!!!! So, be prepared to keep hearing my stores over the next few months.

A year or two later I went to Vegas with my family....my brother was getting married there. I spent the ENTIRE trip drinking. I remember coming upon 3 stairs in the casino that I did not see and face-planted it there...in the middle of the day.

One night about 3 in the morning a young man came over and starting talking to me...I was alone. He printed my winnings and put the slip in his pocket and said "Lets walk". We started walking and once I realized he was talking me out side I got scared...I knew what he was up to.  I tried to turn and walk the other way...but he had a grip on me. I cried when he left me there.

I stammered up to my room and to make myself look "cool" I guess...I told my brothers that I had made-out with a guy....little did they know.

I remember driving home from that trip, still hung-over...sad. When I was driving thru the gorge I puked ALL OVER my steering wheel and dash board...there was no where to pull over.

I promised myself I would never drink like that again. But, I did once more.

I got my temple recommend back after some hard work when I moved to St. George a few years ago. And I was once again on the top. I didn't feel judged for my past, the members were great.

There was a new convert in the ward and I befriended him. I made the mistake of drinking with him. It was only going to be a one night thing I told myself.  But this kid grabbed hold of me the way that mad did in the casino. I was not allowed to go home, I couldn't drive myself anywhere. He made me sleep on the floor of his room. He threatened me and told me what would happen if I left as after months of sleeping on his bedroom floor and listening to his friends stories (They were drug dealers and supposedly had killed people) he threatened me if I were ever to tell anyone...they would kill me. I would try and leave sometimes...but he would hit me and tell me to lie back down. I asked him once, crying..."Why wont you let me go home?"...he said "Because I cant play this video game with out you...the game scares me....and you know too much" (it was some stupid vampire killing game).

It got to the point that I was covered in bruises and when I was dropped off and picked up from work in my OWN car from this kid (he wouldn't let me drive) people would laugh about the bruises saying "Kayleigh...is someone hitting you? Cause I will hurt them if they are!" And I would just smile...why couldn't I say anything?

One night I prayed like no other...that someone would come and get me....I had been drinking like crazy as it was the only way for me to cope with the constant anxiety and panic attacks. The next morning my relief society president showed up at this kids door and said "I know KayLeigh is here...and I am not leaving with out her." He argued with her a little, telling her I was fine. But she was insistent. She SAVED my life.

This kid had also been drugging me I found out a few weeks into this mess as a friend of his came over and said "I was surprised you made it too work today, we gave you like 5 Seroquel in your drink last night".

I had major withdraws for a few weeks and therefor lost my job. I went to the doctor for a migraine who had me promise I would go to the ER and tell them everything that had happened as he saw the bruises on me.

I confessed....the police asked me to keep texting this kid to get more info out of him. The state of Utah got involved and paid my hospital and relocations fees...and offered to pay for counseling for 5 years.

I new I would never feel safe in St George again...so I left. I spent a few months getting my feet on the ground at my parents home and moved back up North.

Here I am, working full time...and working thru all the emotions of things I have endured in my life. My Doctor told me last week that I need counseling....It may not be a bad idea as my panic attacks have got ALOT worse the past few weeks and I am swearing and cussing in my sleep and having HORRIBLE dreams.

Any suggestions on a counselor in the Davis/Weber County/SLC/West Valley area?

Maybe if I just talk some of this out I will be able to show up at church like I desire...and feel NOT SOOO unworthy of it.

I encourage ALL Women to speak out. It is not your fault if you have been raped or have been a victim of crime. Us women need to unite! We need to have a place where we can talk about our emotions! I have kept all this in for too long! And it is eating away at my soul! I will help you, please help me too!!!! Lets raise our voices!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hear us ROAR!!!!

Will He Welcome Me Back In?

I watched a great movie tonight called "Stuck in Love" that got me into deep thought about something completely different. Here is what the movie was about so you can understand where the thoughts came from....

Its about a man who has been divorced from his ex-wife for 3 years...and he keeps waiting for her return. He has 2 children, 1 of which is experiencing love for the first time, and the other is avoiding love at all costs because what her mother did to her father.
The daughter explains that one night she was on the roof of the house while in High School. The family was having a party that night. She watched her mom go into the backyard with a man and started to kiss him and that man she was kissing said "What if you husband see's?" and she said "I don't care".... the daughter hates her mother for this and hates that her father waits for his ex-wife's return.
One day the Father is trying to get the daughter to forgive her mother and tells her that he cheated on his wife long before she cheated on him. When she was just a baby he cheated and was gone for 6 month...and his wife waited for him. The wife told the husband at the time "I hope you will wait for me if I ever make the same mistake". The Father explains to daughter that he is waiting, and he will keep waiting...He says that "She waited for me...and your mother is a far better person than I'll ever be.".
Then one day, the mother returns. When the Father comes to the front door and sees her, she says "I got a little lost. I was just... I was wondering if there's still a place for me here? I completely understand if there isn't, I know that I really don't deserve it." He says "Its okay"....and he invites her back in.

When this last scene happened...I cried.

I know this is random. But I imagined after seeing this.... is that is how I will feel when I face God? Will I say to him "I got a little lost. I was just... I was wondering if there's still a place for me here? I completely understand if there isn't, I know that I really don't deserve it."??? Will He respond with "Come in"???

I sure hope He does. I know that I am a sinner, I have made so many mistakes, and I know I will keep making them. But, in the end... will my Father in Heaven know what my hearts desire was??? Will He forgive me?

I guess I need to build my testimony some...and start to do the things I know are right.

My patriarchal blessings says that I will return home to my Father in Heaven when I choose.... and that He will say to me "Well done my good and faithful servant...enter into my rest". I pray that when that time comes I will have done my part. I wont be perfect when I meet Him...I will have made plenty of mistakes... something I didn't believe until not long ago....I truly thought I had to be close to perfect. Hell, I was raised in Utah...I think all of us "Utah Mormons" feel the need to be perfect.

I have pondered that statement in my blessing that I can go home when I CHOOSE. To be honest...at one time in my life when I felt I was done (emotionally) I pleaded with my Father to take me home....but, He did not. I guess He will know when I truly mean it.

This picture always stirs a peace deep within me, I could look at it all day. Maybe I should?

Was I Special?

I just want to note that starting a week ago I am battling THE worst depression I have had in years. Everything makes me cry, which causes me to have panic attacks cause I try to hold back the tears cause I feel silly for being so emotional.
Maybe I just need to let it out and have another good cry like I did in the middle of the night a few days ago after a unpleasant dream.
I was talking to the Doctor today about my dreams. How almost a few times in the night I wake up crying or screaming in fear. My brother tells me that I say some pretty awful things when I am asleep in the mornings.
I asked if this could be a side effect of some medication and the Doctor states that yes, it could be. But he said, "Maybe all the things you have been thru in life which were unpleasant come out in your dreams"...he might be right.
When I was a victim of crime in St G and the state of Utah got involved they offered to pay for counseling for 5 years! How great is that? I didn't know our state did such  great thing for women suffering from abuse.
Recently a friend of mines friend was going thru a situation on the same level of my St G experience and I was so glad to have the knowledge of how to get help from the state for this person. It made me feel like I had a purpose, a knowledge to help someone else out.

I would like to share something I was thinking about earlier. I was reading thru old blog posts I wrote on here and was really taken back by my talk in church about the Lodge Pole Pine Seed.

I remember when I wrote that talk for church I was so confident. I thought I had a handle on my addictions. I had just got my recommend back and felt that I could handle anything put in my way.
Do you know how long after I gave that talk in church it was till I drank? I would say a week and a half! I had been struggling previous to that talk with substance addiction and my bishop asked me to talk about addiction as many people in the ward were suffering with similar issues. He wanted me to be very blunt... call people out. I wonder if he was inspired to have me give that talk not for others in the ward as he said...but for me. I mean, a week or so afterward I drank.

How can sin be so easy? After looking back at situations like that I have had in my life I can see how easy it would be for one to commit crimes much worse that substance abuse.... IT IS SO EASY! Am I a bad person...a rotten egg??? Do I not feel? Why was it so easy for me to take that first drink again after just giving a talk on overcoming addiction?
I suppose that now I know that you can never be safe from your addictions. No matter how far it is in the past or how much you think it is not a temptation anymore....it is. But yet again...I know that thru the Atonement we can not only overcome the sin....but the desire to sin. How??? I thought I was that person at that time...I thought I had overcome the desire. Maybe I did...but maybe I should not have put myself in the situation I did, but I honestly felt I had overcome that issue.

I remember on my mission we sisters taught Gospel Principles every week in church. A Sister in the ward asked how many times God would forgive her for the same sin. A Brother in the ward stood up and said something like "7 times"...and he referenced a scripture.
I think God must understand each and every one of us. I don't think there is a limit to how many times God will forgive us for a particular sin... He knows us..and He knows our hearts intent.

There was a time that I wanted to be dis-fellowshipped from the church, because I felt that if I could just start over...I wouldn't keep falling time after time. My Bishop at the time said No, that I needed to learn to forgive myself. He thought that I knew God had forgiven me...but I could not forgive myself.

This is very true I now see looking back. My issue is not that I don't understand the Atonement and how it can heal....I can't forgive myself.

Why???

When I was diagnosed with cancer and had survived...I felt that I was special, there was a special mission for me. I felt the pressure to be an example to my family, ward and friends. I thought that because I had been allowed to stay on earth that I needed to be perfect. A Perfect Example to ALL around me. I felt there was something that only I could do.
After the incident after my mission I spoke about in my last blog post I felt that I had let everyone down.. God, my family, my ward.
I felt even worse after I tried to take my own life a year or so later. There I was at 12 years old fighting to live...and what did I do later in life? Try to take that life away. I felt I had slapped God across the face. That I appeared to be so ungrateful. I felt that my purpose was lost. I screwed everything up that God set up for me...because I was once special.

I will get back into this another time. It is time for bed for this one!
Night all.
Please send me light and love...tomorrow is going to be a tough day for me.

The Wolf

Its been too long since I last posted... but I would like to start blogging again to help me thru this rough patch I am going thru.

Recently I posted a picture on Facebook....this was the photo:

After posting this photo my mom had a dream. I will tell you what I heard her explain, although her dream may have been very different then how I heard.

My Mother says she had a dream that I was hanging out with people that no one could see except me and her. She knew these people did not have my best interest in mind. One day she got me away from these people and as we were walking somewhere those people, only her and I could see, yelled my name asking me to come over to them. I started walking towards these people and I got hit my a bus.
My Mom states she woke up from this dream very upset and wanted to call me, but it was 3am. She thinks she had this dream because of the picture above that I had posted on facebook stating,

"I have come across a wolf like this a few times in my life ... always right after I get my temple recommend back. And they cause me to feel unworthy of my desires...and I fall. This time around... I will be ready for my encounter with the wolf once I get back to where I want to be."

I also have been having dreams since I posted this picture about the people around me influencing me to do wrong among other things. My Mom is fearful for me, and so am I...as I know that the road I have decided to move forward on, destination=gospel is not an easy one as the wolf is waiting for me.

Looking back,

When I got back from my mission I was on top of the world! I was a little down since I was not able to finish my full mission due to some health problems at the time, but I was okay...I understood the gospel.

Not long after I returned I was a victim of Date Rape (1st Fall). Instead of turning back to God to help me thru that time...I turned to things I thought a person like me should do. I started drinking and picking the wrong people to hang out with, I felt unworthy of the dream I had my entire life of getting married in the temple and raising children in the gospel. I thought that no man in the gospel would look past the horrible thing that had happened to me and the choices I made following.

I eventually was able to pull myself out of that life and I went back to church and was working towards getting my recommend back. I started a serious relationship with a man in my Singles Ward that I knew from school growing up. I told him on our first date of what had happened to me when I got  home from my mission and he was understanding.

The relationship got to a point of where we were considering getting married...instead of getting down on his knees he came to me and said that he didn't want a woman who had sex. I was furious, I was a victim, it wasn't a choice I made. So...I fell once again (2nd Fall).

After another round of living the lifestyle I felt someone like me should live (drinking, drugs and tattoos) (hating it the whole way since I believed in the gospel) I got engaged to a man who had a daughter I was in love with..and I was able realized that I could not go thru with the marriage. He was very manipulative and mentally abusive, he blamed the death of his late wife on me. I suddenly  realized I deserved better.

I got out, I left. But I was even more crushed then I was before. I lost that little girl and I felt so much guilt for leaving her with a man like her father...I felt I should have just married him so I could have protected that little girl the rest of my life. I still to this day think about her everyday.

After this break up I decided to move back in with my parents who then had moved to Central Utah. I got a job with troubled teens and felt that I was able to help these kids because of the things I had been thru, maybe God put me through all of that so I could help others. I still wasn't going to church at this time, but I was once again feeling purpose and was looking forward to getting back to church. But, I had an accident at work which left me in my parents basement on Workmans Comp for almost 2 years (3rd fall). I had no social life, I was miserable...and I decided one night that I was going to end my life (I think I made this choice looking back at it now, because I was on a lot of pain meds from my accident...so being drugged and depressed and isolated in my parents basement led me to attempt suicide.).

I lived.

I had my parents take me to the hospital, so I could take control of my life yet again, and I checked myself in.  I was able to talk thru all that had happened in my life and got the desire back to live.
When I checked out I knew that I needed to get out of Wayne County and my parents basement. I moved to St. George to start over.

When I got to St George, I went back to church. And I was once again on top of the world! I had a nice place to live, and nice car, a great job where I was moving up quickly and best of all...I had my temple recommend back.

I started hanging out with a new member of the church, feeling that I could help him thru the things he was putting in the past since I had been to some of the dark places he had been in as well.

I will never forget the day that me and this kid drank together. I was so upset with myself for being a bad example, and the feeling I had in the past of feeling unworthy of the gospel came back, taking over my spirit.

Things happened with this kid that you would see in a lifetime movie (4th fall)... I was once again a victim. And the state of Utah (Utah department of Crime Victims) even got involved when I went to the Dr. for a migraine who had noticed the bruises on my body. He said that I needed to go to the ER and tell them everything that happened or he would call the cops himself. So, I went to the ER and reported everything that had taken place over the previous 2 months.

I lost my job from being drugged as couldn't work as I was going thru withdrawals, he totaled my car and I was unsafe to stay in my home. This kid had threatened to kill me, I was no longer safe and I looked over my shoulder for the longest time, in fact... I still do.

I moved back in with my parents so I could get thru the emotions and detox.

After getting somewhat back on my feet I moved back up to Northern Utah where I had grew up.

And now this is the present moment.

Now that I have a safe place to lay my head at night, and a job I enjoy, and a car to get me around I am feeling the desire yet again to go back to church.  But, as I have been looking thru my past for a couple of weeks, I know that when I attempt to straighten out my life and live the gospel Satan will be there waiting for me to take a few steps forward so he can push me back to where he wants me to be.  I feel I now know that the wolf is dressed in a lambs clothing...he disguise's himself so you wont detect him till it is too late. I was/am fearful of taking the steps I need to take cause I know he is just around the corner.

I have the desire, I know what it true, I know where my happiness is and I know how to get there. I know the Gospel is true, I know the Atonement is for all.  Ever since I battled cancer at age 12 I have had a testimony...even thru my low points in life I believed in it. I would even take every opportunity to spread the gospel when I wasn't living it myself. Why do I feel like the Atonement is for everyone, except myself? I know what the Atonement is, and I know it can heal ALL.

I had been doing well until a week ago. In fact I even talked to an old neighbor and arranged to go to church with them with the start of this new year...but Sunday comes around and I cannot go. Its funny that I made the decision, and had not acted yet, and there Satan was/is throwing depression at me.

I have been so completely depressed that past week that I cannot sleep, I am throwing up, I am having panic attacks left and right, and I cry for no reason at all. Just a few nights ago I woke up from a bad dream and I sobbed like a little girl for over an hour.  I was so distraught that my brother had to come and comfort me in the middle of the night as he heard me crying from across the house.

I need to pull myself up, I need to kick this depression out, and I need to push past the wolf in front of me so I can move towards my happiness in the gospel.  The only thing that is keeping me from giving in is knowing that their are others out there battling depression and trials...maybe, just maybe, I can pick myself up and inspire them.

Maybe God has allowed me to face these trials so that I can inspire those around me. I can choose to be a victim, or better yet...I can choose to be an inspiration. Maybe I went thru these things, not for myself, but for others.

Truth is, I have had many trials in life, and I think the way I was raised has caused me to feel unworthy of the Gospel because of crimes I endured. I perceived the teachings of these blessings God offers is only to come to those who are sin free...I was made unclean by being a victim of rape and by the choices I made afterwards.
Understanding the Gospel now, in this moment... I know that the Gospel and Atonement is for me, the sinner... the victim. I choose to get myself emerged in the teachings of God so that one day I can teach my own children... I will teach them the Gospel, and we will all go to church, but I will be sure that my children know that there is no such thing as perfection...we will go thru things in life that leave us feeling unclean...but taking the sacrament washes those things away. If you become a victim to things like I have or other crimes...it does not mean that you are unworthy of the blessings of the Gospel... the Gospel is not for the perfect.

 

 

I will be okay, I will get thru this. All is Well!!! I am not perfect, no one is. I will walk again...I will have scars...but I will tell the story of those scars in the right moments of time given to me. I may fall again, and that is okay... I know my heart desire. I will allow people to be a part of my life...I will not push them away. I will recognize the wolf, and I will be aware of my surroundings.