A Melting Heart

I have been thinking the past few days about one thing... a thing that I thought would be and stay in the past. But see now that sometimes the past isn't really the past because nothing has changed. All the old feelings, hopes and dreams you once had are still the same.
There have been 2 men that I have truly loved in my life. My first love, and to this day I still care and think about him... and my second love who was the most amazing man I have ever met.
The thing is, that my second love has some issues (don't we all?) and there came a time where I could no longer stand by his side although unknowingly my heart would never stop loving him.
Recently I sent this man a letter, no hopes or agenda's on my mind... just genuine eagerness to know how he was doing and to apologize for things long past. Well, although there absolutely was no hopes or agendas, when I spoke with him a few days ago my heart melted.
I never understood the term of a "melting heart"... but now I know what it means and what it feels like. It is so weird to me that my love for this man is just as strong as it was all that time ago.
I wonder if I am strong enough put myself back into this situation.... it is risky. But my best friend last night said "life is about taking risks"... and I know she is right.
If I were to walk away from this... I would ALWAYS wonder about what coulda been.... instead, I will take it a few days at a time...I will make sure I am not slipping into something I shouldn't slip into and give him a little slack to see where this might go.
I know if my mom reads this she will be worried, but I would say...Yes, I have made MANY mistakes... but I cannot live my life not knowing if he is the right one, because my heart tells me he might be.

Love you all, thanks for you support through all the ups and downs in life... please support me thru this... I can not risk loosing the right one due to fear of the unknown.

We Are Of Worth

I want to share some news I received.

As have shared before that there was an ordeal I went thru in St George, I would like you to know that Crime Victims of Utah has decided to cover some important costs related to the ordeal to help me succeed.

I cannot express in words how thankful I am for this blessing.

The reason I am sharing this news is because I know I am not the only victim of crime...there are many who go thru things that they cannot control. I know how hard it is to get yourself out of a tough situation do to fear... I in no way will ever judge a person who stays in an awful situation as I have experienced the fear of leaving.

But, I feel that its important that I share that we are so worth being treated better, that we are children of God and have a royal inheritance. God will provide if we use His strength to better our lives. No matter how much we feel that things may be our own fault, or that we are unlovable... if we just exercise a little bit of faith.... God will guide us in the right direction and send us the tools to succeed whether it be by a helping friend here on earth or by assistance from the State of Utah and Crime Victim centers.

Blessed

Can I just say that I feel so blessed in this moment. I know God is looking out for me, that He loves me and will provide when I am in need.

The Family Proclamtion to the World

Can I just say that I love my family, I am so blessed to have such great people in my life.

"I have a family here on earth,

They are so good to me.

I want to spend my life with them

Thru all eternity.

Families can be together forver

Thru Heavenly Fathers plan.

I always want to be with my family

And the Lord has shown me how I can,

The Lord has shown me how I can."

I so love my neices and nephews...arent they the cutest? I hope they know how much I love them, and that I will always be there for them.

Below you will find the Family Proclamation To The World by the First Presidency and 12 Apostles, I encourage you to read it.

W

E, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve

Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a

woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to

the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

A

LL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the

image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of

heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and

destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual

premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

I

N THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew

and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted

His plan by which His children could obtain a physical

body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection

and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of

eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family

relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred

ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it

possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and

for families to be united eternally.

T

HE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve

pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and

wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children

to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We

further declare that God has commanded that the sacred

powers of procreation are to be employed only between

man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

W

E DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be

divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its

importance in God’s eternal plan.

H

USBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love

and care for each other and for their children. “Children

are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a

sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness,

to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to

teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments

of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever

they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—

will be held accountable before God for the discharge of

these obligations.

T

HE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and

woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled

to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by

a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete

fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be

achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord

Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established

and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance,

forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and

wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers

are to preside over their families in love and righteousness

and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and

protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible

for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities,

fathers and mothers are obligated to help one

another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances

may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended

families should lend support when needed.

W

E WARN that individuals who violate covenants of

chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill

family responsibilities will one day stand accountable

before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of

the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and

nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern

prophets.

W

E CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government

everywhere to promote those measures designed

to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental

unit of society.

What is a friend?

I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl when it comes to my friendships. Maybe I have too high of expectations of what a friend is? But, I always end up feeling silly for offering my desire to hang out or whatever after the 10th invite and no results.
What made me think that friends should be there for you and have the desire to be there? What made me this way? Maybe its because as I child I was let down a lot? My brothers would call (they are all a lot older than I) and say they were going to come get me to go out....and I would wait by the window for hours and they would never come (this isnt the case anymore as we are now adults). I love my brothers, but I felt let down on many occasions.
Maybe this is why I give so much to those I think are friends....cause I don't want them to feel like I don't care???
Someone recently told me that I make friends with people that I am so much better than.... that I sell myself short. But, what is wrong with caring about someone and wanting to help them out? I know that someone will only change if they have the desire to change....but what is so wrong with offering my 2 cents?
I am sorry about this post... I am just coming to the realization that my family are the ones that will always be there.... not a friend. My family will always support and love me, and I am so grateful for that...that I have a good family that cares.
I just need to let go, be myself and keep my family close.

Life is good

Its been a while since I last blogged.
Since this is about my journey, I will tell you that life is good so I will tell you a little bit about whats been happening.

I just moved to Central Utah to work on myself, enjoy the mountains and outdoor activites before I move back up North. Its really tough for me being in a small town without a lot of freinds and not having a job where I can get my social time in.
I said that I was going to take this summer to build my confidence back up after all the drama that took place in St George, and I have become more content with myself.
I took up cooking and baking, which is something I have never enjoyed or done a lot of. Its so rewarding when I throw together a dinner from scratch or bake a sheet of cookies and they come out tasting wonderful and others agree.  I also started making jewelry with my natural stones for people I love and to sell once I have enough made. I also took time developing my art by drawing.
I didnt go to church here except for the first week I moved down and just last week, its not that I do not want to go... I just stay up to late working on the things I have talked about above and end up sleeping in. I will say that I notice a HUGE difference in my week when I do ro do not go to church and thats why I decided that I cannot miss out on it anymore. Our meetings at church are so uplifting and I know that when I attend I come away with a goal of wanting to be better the coming week, and not having those spiritual goals tends to make the week a little tough.
I think we are so blessed to be a part of this gospel. How amazing is it that we can go to church and by partaking of the sacrament we renew our baptizimal covenants and come away knowing all the things we have struggled with during the week are washed away once again.
I am so blessed to have this summer to work on myself and spend my time connecting with my family. My family means everything to me and the time I spent living n St George and being so far away has made me appreciate and love them so much more than I have before.... and this is why I am moving up North this summer instead of going back down to St George. It will be great to live back up there with two of my brothers and all of my extended family.
I want to share my expereince of how I knew I was going to serve a mission, so I will post about that in the near future.

Turning Back

No matter how long or how far you've traveled in the wrong direction

Which leads you to believe your distanced too far from Him above.

To be loved and accepted by Him seems unattainable,

Well... I'll tell you its never too late to turn back and feel of His redeeming love.

I've been down paths surrounded by darkness,

My heart and soul felt ice cold.

I thought turning around and seeing His face was wishful thinking,

And hearing that it wasn't seemed a statement too bold.

"They have never been where I have", I thought

"Or felt the devils breath on their skin".

They said He was there waiting with open arms,

And they talked with so much faith and conviction.

I put my faith in them and turned one day

And to my amazement I felt of His presence and love...

I knew each day would be a struggle and it certainly wouldn't be easy,

But I'd put one foot in front of the other with help from Him above.

I know that I will stumble and I may fall,

But the trick is to get right back up and keep looking ahead.

Without hesitation or fear, towards God and His Son I'll go,

Because "Doubt not, fear not", He said.

.