There, and back again!

I know that it has been a while since I have last posted here on my blog, and a lot has happened since my last post. As this blog is about my Journey and Overcoming obstacles and as I decided to start journaling tonight I thought "Why not just blog"... if it's going to help myself (which putting my feelings down will) and if it could possibly help someone else going thru a hard time...Why not?!?!

The past is the past.... specifics do not matter, what matters is that I am alive, I am well, and I have family and friends who love and support me. What matters is I know where my happiness lies, and I know its not going to be easy to get there... what would be easy is to curle up into the fetal position and feel sorry for myself, but I have done that before when hard times came and I refuse to do it this time around. I have never been thru something as hurtful as I have recently.... but I refuse to give up.

I think its amazing how the spirit guides us in our lives and those around us, even when we are not in the place we should be. Let me tell you something amazing that happened....

I was in a position where I could not help myself, I physically and emotionally could not get out of the situation I was in. The night before I got out I went and got a blessing from a dear friend, the desire was there...I knew I needed to make changes and I knew I needed strength to get out of what I was in, but I also knew it was not in my control at this point. The next morning in a state where I was not thinking clearly I sent my friend who is also my Relief Society President a text (and I do not remember sending it) that said something like "I need help. I cant get myself out of this". Not a half hour later she came for me, and even though she was told that I was fine and that I was asleep she refused to leave without me.

I am so blessed that I in the state I was in texted the right person, someone who was available, and someone who wouldnt back down. Not only did she get me out of the situation, but she stayed with me as I went thru some pretty hard withdrawls.... she even watched Michael Jackson movies for days with me!!! I must point out that she is not the only one who came to my aid, there were many who I barely knew before this that were there with me as I fought this fight, that I am still fighting. And there was not a single expression or word that indicated and judgements from any of these angels.

I came across this picture this week....

I just love this, I know the Lord has wept with me and He understands everything I am going thru in these moments. Its so comforting to know He is there, with His arms around me...He loves me. If He didn't, I would still be in the situation I was in... I know it was thru that blessing I recieved that I somehow sent that text, and then the Lord sent His trusted angels to my aid... I have so much gratitude to my Father in Heaven and His angels!!!




Before any of this happened my testimony was the strongest it had been in a LONG time... I felt so ontop of things, even my addictions. And that is something that I would like to point out. I firmly now beleive that if you have addictions that you CAN get to a point in your life where they don't have a daily control over you... but you cannot play with fire! It doesn't matter who you are, you just can't! I remember not too long before this happened having a conversation with my mom where I was telling her about maybe going to Mesquite with some freinds and she said "Can you handle that?" and I said "Of course! It's not even a temptation"... well, she has recently said that she thinks Satan heard that conversation and had to throw another obstacle in my way....I think she is right.

It is necessary to read your scriptures daily, to pray and talk openly with your Father in Heaven daily, to attend your church meetings and surround yourself with people who will lift you. This doesn't mean that I cannot be freinds with people who do the things I am addicted to....I just cannot put myself into situations where I would be tempted. I have come to accept that this will be the case for the rest of my life. I may get to higher ground...but I have to stay there.

So, how am I going to move forward? Well.... I am going to take my time and find myself. For a long time I have leaned on those around me and I have never been good at saying "NO" and standing up for myself. So, this summer is my time to find out who I want to be, what I want to do, and find what is most important to me. I started a Bucket List this past week and I plan on working on a lot of those things now. I want to learn to cook and play the piano and guitar, alter my own clothing and break out my dusty sewing machine!!! Become a better artist and photographer, a better aunt, daughter, sister and friend.

In short, I want to better myself, learn to love myself the way I should, gain that self-confidence back that has been lacking a long time.

In closing...I want to share the lyrics to "Stand in Holy Places"... kept thinking about this song as I was typing this out.

In a sea shifting values
Tossed on every wave
While the winds wail around me
I will not be afraid
To call out for my captain
To calm the waves in me
When I stand a little taller
Its only then I finally see

Chorus:
I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Tough my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come
And says Well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places

There is a harbor in His holy house
An anchor in His grace
That steadies in the waves of doubt
And in every holy places
No matter where I travel
His spirits guiding me
With the Lord as my captain
There is a peaceful port in me

Chorus:
I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Tough my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come
And says Well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places