On my mind.

Well...I cannot stop thinking this week about a revelation that my roommate made to me.
I for a very long time have had nightmares...the kind where I wake up screaming and crying. I first noticed when I was living with my brother 5 years ago and I know that it scared him...he would not go to sleep until I was completely out and he would often wake me up in the middle of the night telling me to stop screaming.
I honestly did not think I still was screaming in my sleep, because I haven't waken myself up from doing so for a long time...but my roommate informed me that I am waking her up with my screams.
I cannot get this off my mind the past few days...what am I dreaming about? I know when these dreams started, and I am sure It is still the same issues....all these years later.
Am I really so gaurded that I let my emotions only show in my sleep?
What can I do?
I need to think about this one.

The Great and Spacious Bulding

Lehi's Dream

"Even though you have a testimony and want to do what is right, it is difficult not to be drawn to the great and spacious building. From all appearances, the people in the building seem to be having a good time. The music and laughter are deafening...don't mistake telestial pleasure for celestial happiness and joy... the people in tat building have absolutely  nothing to offer except instant, short-term gratification and inescapably connected to long-term sorrow and suffering. The commandments you observe were not given by a dispassionate God to prevent you from having fun, but by a loving Father in Heaven who wants you to be happy while you are living on this earth, as well as in the hereafter." -Glen L. Pace

Oh my, I read this tonight and you don't know how much this applies to me right this minute.
I need to remind myself right now that this building has nothing to offer me... I have been there, I have spent time there...and it lead me ever so close to a spiritual and physical death...and it will be my ruin if I go back.
Satan is so smart...he knows how to sneak in, and he will never give up trying to make us miserable as he is.
Thank you God for those around me who care and please help me to allow them in...I cannot do this alone.

Trust

Tonight at an Institute class that I attended we discussed what At-One-Ment is. During this class I realized   just how much I hide myself from those around me because of my trust issues. I started to wonder how I will ever be Christlike if I don't allow people into my life. Of course I have friends and relationships...but I am so afraid of others intentions that I have not let anyone see the true me in a very long time.
Those who knew me before I was abused know my character...and I want to be that person again. I know I will never be the same as I was because I have been through things these past 6 years that have changed me... but I don't want those experiences to cause me to never have a real relationship with those around me.
In the class the instructor talked about the "storms" in life, and how those storms are moulding us to become Gods ourselves, and I felt such a peace as this was discussed.
I will open myself up as I journey through life...during the calm and stormy weathers ahead, and I choose not to spend the rest of my life alone. I do want to be At-One with my brothers and sisters and with my Savior.
Here's to more changes starting today!

Priesthood Blessings

I just want to share how grateful I am for Priesthood Blessings I have received in my life. I know if it were not for Priesthood holders and my faith in their blessings I would not be here today.
I remember when I was 12 years old I laid in a hospital bed knowing how close I was to leaving this earth... I was ready to go. I will tell you that my soul left my body and I watched my family speaking to nurses in the hall...I heard the nurse tell my dad I was not going to make it thru the night and he needed to prepare for that. I remember my dad calling my neighbor Ralph to ask him to come down to PCMC to assist him with a Blessing. I remember what I felt during that blessing, and I knew that it was my choice to leave this life or to continue on. I remember thinking of my mother already losing one child and how hard it would be for her to loose another. I remember deciding to stay.
This is why I struggle with bad choices I have made in my life. I KNOW the gospel is true, I know I would not be here if it were not for my faith that was so strong at age 12. And when I think of all the times I turned against my faith it makes me sad and I wonder how my Heavenly Father must feel as He watches me turn against Him after He allowed me to stay.
I choose to accept my past and I will strive to live by what I know is right.

Aint No Road Too Long

Waylon Jennings and Big Bird

Here are some lyrics from a movie I LOVED growing up...These Lyrics are so encouraging and fun too....YouTube This song.....






"Waylon Jennings: So you are the bird on the run, huh?

Big Bird: Oh, yeah! And I can't wait to get back to my real home on Sesame Street! I figure I can walk back there in, oh, about, uh, three hours.

Jennings: Three hours? More like three weeks, buddy.

Big Bird: Three weeks? Oh, no! Ill never get home.

Jennings: Sure you will. You just gotta keep going. Pick up your feet and follow your beak.

Big Bird: Oh, I don't know.

Jennings: Listen to me, son.

(sung)

I found out a long time ago
You gotta learn to say "yes" when life says "no"
Don't dwell on the bad times once they're past
That kind of thinking gets you nowhere fast

'Cause there ain't no mountain you can't climb
If you hang on tight and just make up your mind
Once you set your heart to movin' on
Son, there ain't no road too long

(Gordon, Olivia, and Cookie Monster are in a yellow Volkswagen, looking for Big Bird. Gordon is driving. They're all singing, unless it says otherwise.)

Gordon: Don't look back; don't you turn around!

Olivia: Just keep your eye on where you're bound!

Gordon and Olivia: And you're bound to get from here to there
'Cause a dream can take you anywhere!

Cookie Monster (spoken): Oh! Take me to cookies!

Super Grover: 'Cause there ain't no mountain you can't climb
If you hang on tight and just make up your mind

Count von Count: And once you set your heart to moving on, hut, hut
Then there is no road too long!
(Spoken) And you can count the telephone poles! One telephone pole, two telephone poles, three telephone poles, four telephone poles!

(Oscar is driving Maria and Telly in his Sloppy Jalopy. Maria is looking at a road map.)

(spoken)

Maria: Oscar, this isn't Route 12!

Oscar : Picky, picky, picky.

Telly: Oh, no!

Maria (as the Sloppy Jalopy lurches down a rolling field): Oh, oh!

Oscar: I never promised you a rose garden!

(Ernie is piloting Bert in an airplane as they look for Big Bird)

Ernie: Oh, we're gonna find him all right, Bert!

Bert: Yeah.

Ernie: Hey, you remember what color he is?

Bert: What?

Ernie: He's yellow!

Bert: Ernie!

(Ernie laughs and flies right over the truck without seeing Big Bird!)

(sung)

Big Bird: 'Cause there ain't no mountain you can't climb
If you hang on tight and just make up your mind!
And once you set your heart to movin' on
Yeah, there ain't no road too long

Jennings: Ain't no mountain you can't climb!

Big Bird (spoken): That's right!

Jennings: If you hang on tight and just make up your mind!

Big Bird (spoken): Uh huh!

Jennings: Once you set your heart to movin' on!

Big Bird (spoken): Sing it!

Jennings: There ain't no road too long!
There ain't no road too long!

Big Bird: There ain't no road too long!

Jennings: No, there ain't no road too long!

Big Bird (spoken): You're right! If I just keep on going, everything will turn out fine."

Feeling Blue

Dear M... "There are times, when I'm happy and times, when I'm blue, when I'm blue, it's because I'm thinking about you! It's hard, not to feel this way, for I miss you, so much, since we parted ways! It doesn't matter, that it's been so many years, as my eyes well up, once again and down come the tears! When, will I ever find peace, it really isn't easy, as my thoughts, never, cease? My heart is carrying, such a heavy load and at times, it feels, it's about to explode! I've come to the conclusion, there's nothing, that can take, this hurt away, as no matter what I do, in my heart and in my thoughts, is where you're going to stay!"      Arthur: Unknown

Today I have been feeling a little down and blue. I suppose I should just put it out there...thats the whole point of this blog, too share...
Well, M's (referred to in a earlier posts) birthday is coming up... I believe she will be turning 6, which just blows my mind. I cannot help but wonder how grown up she must be, what are her favorite things? Its been years and I am still so attached to her and her biological mother whom committed suicide. I still blame myself for her suicide and have to remind myself often that it was not my fault. I fear that I will never truly be able to get past that moment of my life.
But... Today is a new day...all I can do is work toward my own happiness. I wonder if I need Counseling...and  I hate to admit that my past affects me as much as it does. I wish there was someone to take all these feelings of inadequacy away... Oh wait...The Lord can help me, He has already suffered all my sins, all I need to do is ask for his help. I have been forgiven for my past through the Atonement... so why do I still struggle? Is that normal?
I think it comes down to how we are living our daily lives...are we making good choices? Are we serving our brothers and sisters? Honoring our parents? Attending church meetings and paying our tithing? Reading scriptures daily...and are we staying away from the things we are advised to stay away from?
I know that the years I was drinking and using tobacco products... I was the most miserable...I know that... but it doesn't make those cravings any less. It is a constant choice I have to make...give in to the cravings or make it one more day doing the right things?
"If It Is To Be It Is Up To Me"...the 10- 2 letter words that mean so much

Divine Inheritance

I have been thinking about a talk I heard while on my mission...I would like to share it.

"When we recognize and accept the fact that we are of royal heritage, that we are the literal off-spring of God and that each of us has a divine inheritance of worth, our every moment of existence becomes more rewarding, more enriched and more cherished...It is my belief that we were informed voters at the Counsel in Heaven. When we chose to follow our Savior we knew what we were getting into. We knew of life with all its ups and downs, sickness and health, pain and joy, birth and death. We were also able to keep things in proper perspective, knowing these things are small challenges to endure in comparison to the prize in the end. Eternal Life back with our Heavenly Father. I can imagine that we jumped at the chance to begin the process, eager to complete the labors in order to enjoy the fruits. Our self-worth is God given, undeniable and never changing. Our self-esteem wanes and ebbs and is subject to the bruising and battering of life's hard-knocks. We are gloriously resilient and Heavenly Endowed to withstand and overcome. Once this vision becomes a belief, our lives change. Subtly at first, as with any child who learns, it gains momentum as new talents are recognized, it grows into a strength as new challenges are overcome, it ex-pans our very soul as life's pains are endured. In this state of transfiguration we become humbled as we recognize Gods hand in our lives."
By: Bro. Felton


This has always meant so much to me, and it mean a lot to me now. I am a true daughter of God, and He loves me. I know His Gospel is the source of happiness here upon the earth.


Thanks to all my friends out there :)