Feeling Blue

Dear M... "There are times, when I'm happy and times, when I'm blue, when I'm blue, it's because I'm thinking about you! It's hard, not to feel this way, for I miss you, so much, since we parted ways! It doesn't matter, that it's been so many years, as my eyes well up, once again and down come the tears! When, will I ever find peace, it really isn't easy, as my thoughts, never, cease? My heart is carrying, such a heavy load and at times, it feels, it's about to explode! I've come to the conclusion, there's nothing, that can take, this hurt away, as no matter what I do, in my heart and in my thoughts, is where you're going to stay!"      Arthur: Unknown

Today I have been feeling a little down and blue. I suppose I should just put it out there...thats the whole point of this blog, too share...
Well, M's (referred to in a earlier posts) birthday is coming up... I believe she will be turning 6, which just blows my mind. I cannot help but wonder how grown up she must be, what are her favorite things? Its been years and I am still so attached to her and her biological mother whom committed suicide. I still blame myself for her suicide and have to remind myself often that it was not my fault. I fear that I will never truly be able to get past that moment of my life.
But... Today is a new day...all I can do is work toward my own happiness. I wonder if I need Counseling...and  I hate to admit that my past affects me as much as it does. I wish there was someone to take all these feelings of inadequacy away... Oh wait...The Lord can help me, He has already suffered all my sins, all I need to do is ask for his help. I have been forgiven for my past through the Atonement... so why do I still struggle? Is that normal?
I think it comes down to how we are living our daily lives...are we making good choices? Are we serving our brothers and sisters? Honoring our parents? Attending church meetings and paying our tithing? Reading scriptures daily...and are we staying away from the things we are advised to stay away from?
I know that the years I was drinking and using tobacco products... I was the most miserable...I know that... but it doesn't make those cravings any less. It is a constant choice I have to make...give in to the cravings or make it one more day doing the right things?
"If It Is To Be It Is Up To Me"...the 10- 2 letter words that mean so much