"Go Thy Way And Sin No More"

I had an institute class tonight that was of course AmAzInG! All I wanted to do was come home and share with you what I learned, and what I realized I already knew.

First thing that I wanted to share was the Repentance Process.
Now I know that we follow these steps for repentance
   -recognition 
   -remorse
   -restitution
   -reformation
   -resolution
But what was covered in my class tonight is something I know to be true from experience...and something I learned recently as well.
-THESE STEPS ARE NOT ENOUGH- we need to add "Replacing" to this list...these steps are important, don't get me wrong...but what is most important is the AtOneMent, accepting this gives us that "Change of Heart" (Alma 5:7 = Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word) that Alma speaks of.


I have experienced this change of heart recently, but before this change of heart I remember after being away from the church for a few years I knew I needed to start my repentance process...but I remember telling myself that I needed to Forsake my sins before I went to church and spoke with the bishop. I cant assure you that you cannot forsake your sins without replacing those sins with something good. I tried that, for a long time...I stopped using tobacco products, stopped being immoral and other actions I was taught were wrong...And although I was successful for a period long time, refraining myself from the things I knew were wrong... I was not practicing the things I knew were right. 
I wanted to have the past behind me before I went to the bishop...not recognizing that he could help me with the process...I didn't feel worthy of his help.


In St. Matthew 11:28, it says,
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."


This does not say "Come unto me all ye that WERE heavy Laden, and THEN I will give you rest." No! He is saying "Come to me and I will lift your burden and give you rest"...He doesn't say he will only lift this burden when it is light...He wants to help us along our path, He wants to carry our heavy load ...He knows we cannot do it without His help.


Going back to my experience of trying to forsake my sins before I asked for help...another thing that made this attempt not successful was I did not replace my sins with something good. You cannot leave this empty space within yourself and expect yourself to be strong enough to walk around with this empty space. We have to make a plan...in order to succeed we need to fill those voids with what will help us remain faithful. For instance, If you are an alcoholic, like I will always be, and you stop drinking...what are your plans for this weekend? You going to sit home and stare at the TV an hope you don't have a drink? Or will you pick up your scriptures, enroll in a 12-step program and surround yourself with people who life and encourage you? 
I recently decided to fill this gap. About 2 months ago I realized I was in trouble...I was idle, had nothing to fill my time with. Granted, I had stopped drinking and such a long time before this, but I was bored and saw that I needed to keep myself busy with good things in order to keep going. I didn't listen to my warning...and I ended up drinking for a few weeks. But now, I recognize why I started drinking again, and I did something about it. I am staying busy now...are the temptations still there? Yes, I am an alcoholic! But, I am making an effort and surrounding myself with things of light instead of sitting in the dark praying nothing will come my way to tempt me again.


Mosiah 24:13-14 says 


13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

This is another great scripture, that says the same thing to me at Matthew 11:28...He is telling us that He wants to come to us IN our afflicitons...not just after, but during.

I am so thankful for what I have learned in my life...I am thankful for my struggles and my joy. For if I have not known pain, I would not know Joy.

I want to tell you that you are worthy of our Savior...He accepts you even when you dont accept yourself. He will never turn His back on you, only you will turn your back on Him...I know this. He never leaves us, He is ready and willing to assist us and wants to ease our burdens...we just have to ask Him. And the amazing thing is that after we repent our sins are remembered no more! They are not filled away until they can be rubbed in our faces when we slip up again...He remembers them no more... We may remember them...that is okay...the point for us it to learn in remembrance...just don't dwell in remembrance.

In closing, I would love for you to think about the women taken in adultrey. She is brought before the Savior and the people ask "This woman was found in adultry, what say Thee?" and the Savior Replied "Those of you who have not sinned be the first to cast a stone."  


As the others leave the Savior and this Woman alone (for they were sinners as well) the Savior says to the Women "Where are Thine Accusers?" 
"No, no one Sir" she responed after seeing the room is now empty. The Savior then says "Then neither do I condemn Thee, Go and leave your life in sin" "Go thy way and Sin no more". Now...this was just from memory...don't quote me on that...but I love this story because the Savior did not make her feel bad about her sins by asking her questions He knew the answer to...ALL HE SAID, and I am sure He said it with so much move and with a heartfelt embrace that I talked about in a previous post, "Go thy way and sin no more".


"Go thy way and sin no more"

"Are Mormon Any Weirder Than The Rest Of Us?"

I just read a post by Rabbi Shmuley from The Huffington Post, whom of which I find so inspiring (The Rabbi).

His article is titled:

"Are Mormons Any Weirder Than The Rest Of Us?"

Read below what the Rabbi has said...

"I have been close to Mormons ever since my days at Oxford when Michael Taft Benson, whose grandfather, Ezra Taft Benson, was the prophet of the Mormon Church at the time, became a member and then an elected officer of our L'Chaim Society at the University. Thus began a lifelong friendship that continues today, with many visits to lecture for Mike at Southern Utah University and other mostly Mormon academies of higher learning in the majority Mormon state.

I have thus watched with mild amusement as the debate surrounding the beliefs of Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman have gained steam. Aren't the Mormons weird fanatics? Should we trust people with such strange beliefs with high office?

This is an interesting question coming from my evangelical brothers and sisters whose belief that a man, born of a virgin, was the son of G-d, only to die on a cross, and then be resurrected, is, with all due respect, not exactly the most rational belief either. It is equally interesting coming from Orthodox Jews, like myself, who believe that the Red Sea split, a donkey talked to Balaam and the sun stood for Joshua.

But it is equally strange coming from evolutionists like Richard Dawkins who have said, without a single shred of evidence, that life on our planet may have been seeded by space aliens. Even those evolutionists who reject Dawkins' faith in extraterrestrial life have a belief system of their own, namely, that intelligent life somehow evolved capriciously and accidentally from inorganic matter, even though the possibility of complex organisms evolving without guidance is mathematically nearly impossible. This is how Julian Huxley, who stemmed from the world's most famous family of evolutionary proponents, put the probability of the evolution of a horse:

"A proportion of favorable mutations of one in a thousand does not sound much, but is probably generous ... and a total of a million mutational steps sounds a great deal, but is probably an understatement. ... With this proportion, we should clearly have to breed a million strains (a thousand squared) to get one containing two favorable mutations, and so on, up to a thousand to the millionth power to get one containing a million. ... No one would bet on anything so improbable happening ... And yet it has happened!"

Yes, even men of science can believe things that can be construed as highly irrational.

Now, do I believe that Joseph Smith found ancient tablets written in reformed Egyptian in upstate New York, that Jesus Christ appeared to the people of South America as recorded in the book of Mormon, or that when a Mormon dies he becomes a god and gets his own planet? No. Respectfully, I do not. Nor should it matter. It is what a person does, rather than what they believe, that counts. It took four years for the Dalai Lama to be identified as the reincarnation of his predecessor in a process that to Western eyes can appear highly arbitrary. Yet, the Dalai Lama remains one of the most respected men alive because of his commitment to world peace and good works.

Misguided attacks on groups like the Mormons stems from a willful desire on the part of many to fraudulently identify people with a different faith system as fanatics and, therefore, a brief discussion of religious fundamentalism is in order.

The most confusing story of the Bible involves G-d's commandment to Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. What was this G-d, who would later declare that all human, and especially child, sacrifice to be an abomination, thinking?

The most insightful commentary I have seen on this story comes from the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, who says that the key to the story is to see Isaac not as an individual but as a religion. Who was Isaac? He was Judaism. He was the person who would continue Abraham's belief system. With his death, everything that Abraham had taught in terms of his rejection of paganism and the belief in one G-d would be lost.

The test, therefore, was this: Would Abraham follow G-d's commandment to kill off his religion or would he put his religion before G-d's will? What really mattered to Abraham? G-d or Judaism? And if they were to be put in conflict, what would he choose? The religious fanatic is the man or woman who has ceased to serve G-d and has begun worshipping their religion, making their faith into yet another false idol. Religion is solely the means by which by which we come to have a relationship with our Creator. But when it becomes a substitute for G-d it becomes soulless and fanatical, seeing as there is no loving deity to temper it. It is in this light that we can understand why an Islamic fundamentalist is so deadly, seeing as he is even prepared to go against G-d's express commandment not to murder in order to strike a blow for the glory, not of the deity, but Islam.

Hence, our concern need not be with a person's faith in public office. It does not matter if they are Jewish, evangelical, Mormon or Muslim. What does matter is whether their faith is focused on relating to G-d and, by extension, caring for G-d's children, or whether they see the purpose of their high station to promote their particular religion. It is easy to identify the difference. People who are in a relationship with G-d are humble and do their utmost to refrain from judging others. Their proximity to a perfect being reminds them of their own fallibility. Their experience of G-d's compassion leads them to be merciful and loving. But those who worship a religion are arrogant and think they have the only truth. They are dismissive of other people's beliefs and maintain that advancing the cause of their religion is more important than life itself. The rabbi in Israel who recently made the strange comment that soldiers should face a firing squad rather than listen to a woman sing is a classic example of this heresy.

Those who worship their religion evince the classic characteristic of cult members. Whereas a real faith system is empowering and makes one strong and capable of operating outside their own faith community, cult members can only identify with other members of their group and require the environment of the cult in order to function. They don't have beliefs. Rather, they take orders.

I see none of these characteristics in Mitt Romney, Jon Huntsman -- who graciously hosted me along with my guest Elie Wiesel in the governor's mansion in Utah a few years back -- or any of my countless other Mormon friends. All should be judged on their merits as people and politicians, whatever their faith and whatever their beliefs."

--Rabbi Shmuley Boteach 

I am loving the analogies, and I appreciate the Rabbi for not knocking down on our faith like so many have...in fact I truly do agree with him...The relationship with the Creator is what should matter., and I know that there are people within our religion who do put God and His Son first and foremost. No religion is perfect...we have never claimed that the religion is perfect...we just claim that it is the way back to God and His Son, hence the "mormons" true name..."The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints".

Hold My Hand

"Hold my Hand"

--Michael Jackson

This life don't last forever
(Hold my hand)
So tell me what we're waiting for
(Hold my hand)
We're better off being together
(Hold my hand)
Being miserable alone
(Hold my hand)

(Together):
Cause I been there before and you've been there before, But together we can be alright. (alright) (yeah)
Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold we hold Each other till we see the sunlight.

So if you just hold my hand, baby, I promise that I'll do all I can
Things will get better if you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us if you just hold, hold my, hold, hold my, hoold my hand, hold my hand.

Akon:
The nights are gettin' darker (darker)
(Hold my hand)
And there's no peace inside (inside)
(Hold my hand)
So why make our lives harder
(Hold my hand)
By fighting love tonight
(So hold...)

(Together):
Cause I been there before and you've been there before, But together we can be alright. (alright)
Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold we hold Each other till we see the sunlight. (ooh yeah)

So if you just hold my hand, baby, I promise that I'll do all I can
Things will get better if you just hold my hand (yeah)
Nothing can come between us if you just hold, hold my, hold, hold my, hoold my hand, hold my hand.

Bridge:
I can tell that you're tired of being lonely (yeah)
Take my hand don't let go, baby, hold me (yeah)
Come to me and let me be your one and only (hold my hand)
Cause I can make it alright till the morning. (hold my hand)

I can tell that you're tired of being lonely (hold my hand)
Take my hand don't let go, baby, hold me (hold me)
Come to me and let me be your one and only (one and only)
Cause I can make it alright till the morning. (hold my hand)

Hold my hand, (yeah) baby, I promise that I'll do all I can (hold my hand)
Things will get better if you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us if you just hold, hold my, hold, hold my, hoold my hand, hold my hand

Hold my hand, (yeah) baby, (yeah) I promise that I'll do all I can (hold my hand)
Things will get better if you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us if you just hold, hold my, hold, hold my, hold my hand, hold my hand.

A word I have been thinking about a lot lately is "embrace"...I think about my Saviors Embrace, the Embrace of a friend...and pondering this makes me think of the song above. 

We all need Love in our lives...whether thru a friend or turning to the Savior....we cannot, and are not expected to endure this life alone.

Love you all! Thanks for being there for me, I hope I can do the same for all of you.

The Scorpion and the Turtle

"A turtle was happily swimming along a river when a scorpion hailed it from the shore.

A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. "Are you mad?" exclaimed the turtle. "You'll sting me while I'm swimming and I'll drown."

"My dear turtle," laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you, and drown as well. Now where is the logic in that?"

The turtle thought this over, and saw the logic of the scorpion's statement. "You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river the scorpion gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:

"Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?"

"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "I don't know. I can't help myself, that's just the way I am.""

"To defeat Satan on the battleground of change we must NEVER say "That's just the way I am". To win our battles with Satan we must accept the fact that there is no desire, no habit, no addiction so deeply ingrained and permanent that it is inescapable. " --Putting on the Armor of God


This is such a great analogy to me. I was the scorpion in this story for a long time...I would use the excuse of "Its just the way I am"...but I testify to you that we can change...thru Christ, the gospel  and the Atonement we can overcome anything we desire to overcome.

Thats the trick though...do we desire to change?

Another quote from Putting on the Armor of God is "We must understand the difference between merely CONTROLLING our bad habits and ALLOWING Christ to change our hearts and nature so that we no longer want the habits."

Do you hear me now? Good!

I just accepted something into my soul tonight that changes everything, and as I am looking back over just the past week alone on how many times the Lord has repeated a particular message to me thru friends, scriptures, books and institute I smile and feel comforted for He didnt give up on sharing this message with me, He kept repeating himself until I understood His message that He so wanted me to learn.

"Whether we like it or not, our trials and struggles can tend to accelerate or push toward godliness." 

I have been so focused on dwelling in the past, feeling as if I need to be punished for my life and where it has gone, that I wasnt hearing/understanding what the Lord has been waiting for me to take into my heart.

It is such a releif, the truest weight off my shoulders realizing that my Savior has been patiently waiting for me to hear Him. He wants me to come back, He needs me to struggle so that I may accomplish what I came here to accomplish.

My Patriarchal blessing in the first paragraph tells me that my Heavenly Father is concerned for my wellfare and well-being, for I was instructed concerning my time upon the earth and the special mission I need to accomplish. Upon instruction of my special mission and the informing of the trials I would be faced with...I AGREED to the struggles explained to me and promised to strive with all my heart to remain faithful and positive.

Thank you God for not giving up on me...I understand now that its not meant to be easy. Thank you for the lessons I have learned thru sweat and tears.

Just Hold Me

I read a book today called "Just Hold Me" by Don Staheli...Let me share what I highlighted in my reading.

"The loving arms of the Savior are open wide to revieve us-- that when no one else seems to be around, when others do not appear to understand or even pay attention to our need for a hug, He is there. "if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after us...we can still be clasped in the arms of Jesus"."

"When as the world calls to us, should we drift a bit toward the siren song or even fall headlong into the grasp of evil hands, we can come to our senses and run to the sheltering arms of the Savior. Comfort and reassurance will arrive, and we can find safety and love in His waiting arms."

"Though it may seem that our own displacement from the right way has put us too far out to be reclaimed, it is not so. Not for anyone. If it is lost we feel, then we can listen to the voices calling for our return and move in their direction."

"His arms are open and He WILL respond with warmth and love. He wont say a word to condemn us; we have plenty of those for ourselves. He will only offer His embrace."

"The harsh realities of life are unlikely to be completly erased. Nonetheless, we can find peace in the knowledge that, whether in this life or the next, all will be made well. The sustaining arms of the Lord will give us strength to endure what He CHOOSES not to remove."

"Dwelling on our failures and feeling guilty or unworthy, we wrongfully assume He would have no interest in us, or we imagine that he might entirely reject us. How many times and how many ways does He have to offer His embrace before we trust in His sincerity?"

"The truth is, despite our straying from the righteousness, regardless of how we may have distanced ourselves from God, our Father/Redeemer will come to us and, in a manner as real as any father's embrace, will have compassion and encompass us in His fervent welcome back. He is watching and waiting for our return. If we move toward Him, He will come out to greet us. Time and distance, whether physical or spiritual, pose no obstacle for Him."

"He has stood over us, arms outstreched in both a protective and receptive mode, defending, healing, comforting and gathering in those who would look to Him and live."

"To pry apart the clutching fingers of our enraged enemy and break his painful grasp, we must humble ourselves, cease our destructive behavior, call upon God, and believe in His ultimate love and kindness."

"It doesn't take much to slow us down o even bring us to a halt. Sin will cause us to slacken our pace, even more quickly than a pebble in our shoe. If the gravel or evil and the grit of sin get in where they dont belong they will create enough pain to stop even the best of us. We MUST pause in our efforts, bend or even better kneel down, and remove the offending source of spiritual pain. Sometimes this is accomplished with the help of others and always within the protecting arms of the Savior, who will shield and protect us until we are able to regain our balance, tie life back on like a comfortable shoe, and stride off to meet whatever the ard packed pathway of mortality might bring us next."

"A hug is a hug, even if theres no touching involved. We can embrace with our eyes, enfold with a few words, and clasp with a moment of sincere interest. Simply by paying sincere heed to another person, he or she will feel embraced and held. A physical hug would be inappropriate and unwelcome in many situations, but it is rare that rapt attention would be rejected by one who is attempting to connect without literally connecting. A warm exchange of intellect or honest acknowlegment of worth can be fullfilling, even without any sharing of body heat."

"We must look to the One who will rekindle our hope and reignite our will to carry on. We may do our seeking on bended knee with the hands folded and head bowed, awaiting the inspiration of God. We might search Him out in the scriptures and other good books, led by the Spirit as our eyes scan the pages for new thoughts and ideas to be discovered in His word."

"The depths of human sorrow cannot take us so low that He is not there to attend."

"You must reach beyond a sense of the infinity of the Atonement to accept the portion thereof intended for you and you alone. You have the priviledge of His embrace. He is not on the cross. He is not in the tomb. He stands looking upon you asking, "Whome seekest thou?" He whispers YOUR name and waits for you to recognize Him. He wants you to feel His embrace. So yield to His entreaty. Give in to His love and, please, please say to the Savior, "Just Hold me, Tighter."

I would highly recommend this book to everyone, espessially those who are struggling to feel love and even those who feel they are not worthy of the love that is so freely waiting for them.

The Child Spirit

I love this photo... I grew up in the same area as the girl in this photo. Her dad was my bishop when she passed, around the time I was diagnosed with cancer at age 12

Today I read a 145 page book, cover to cover.
It is called "Honoring the Child Spirit" by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in conversation with Michael Jackson...This book was so amazing! Let me share some things that I highlighted while reading this book.

"So many of us lose that childlike innocence. We go from being big-hearted, big minded, to being small-minded, petty-minded? How do we get trapped into believing innocence is bad until we squander our natural treasures, our natural childhood, and become what everyone wants us to be? One of your gifts, Michael, is that you saw early that adulthood has two sides. It can be mature and wise, but it also can be an empty suit, the embodiment of ruthless ambition and the wrong values."

SB: "After all the hatred that has been shown you, it hasn't corrupted you in any way? You have never felt bitter? people become cynical adults because sometimes the scars of the world sink in and the pain corrupts them internally. They cannot afford to remain naive and innocent. The world has taken advantage of their innocence. So they have to put their dukes up in order to protect themselves. How did you rise above that? ---
MJ: "For me, I rise above that because I believe in the truth. I believe in children-- in becoming childlike again."

SB: "You want to empower people to hold on to their child nature and childlike spirit, don't you? It seems that adults start out really big and get smaller. They get diminished through all the pain and trials of life. They start sweet, sweet as kids, but they begin to sour. When a fruit gets detached from a tree, in the first few days it's okay, but then it begins to wither. Kids are so much closer to that natural source, aren't they, and they're therefor sweeter. But how do we teach adults to reconnect so that they don't decay-- so they don't become more materialistic, bitter and forlorn? Not some sort of fictional fountain of youth but some source of nature and paradise they can find on the inside. The fountain of youth is always there. And you believe that you've tapped into it. So you need to lead people to its source. We have to identify how adults lose that Godly nature as they grow older..."

"Our minds create our world. Our thought processes create what we get in life and become. We just forget. I am not saying we just forget. We are created in His image and if you are created in my image, its like looking in the mirror."

"It is what I say is the difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is not a bad thing, we think jealousy is a bad emotion. Jealousy is an act of possessiveness to claim what is rightly yours. The problem is not jealousy but envy. Envy is where you want to have that which belongs to somebody else. So jealousy makes us zealously guard the integrity of our relationships. Envy makes us desire someone else's possessions or relationships and live permanently lusting after that which is not ours."

"Love and fear are opposites. The quintessential posture of love is to extend yourself, to expose your soft underbelly. When you hug someone you literally create a space within yourself for someone else to exist. You make yourself vulnerable. But the quintessential  posture of fear is the very opposite. Its to draw in your extremities, to bring in your arms and your legs to protect your torso. With love you expand, but with fear you contract, you devolve back to an embryonic state."

"So, if God is light, to use that metaphor, whereas adults build these barriers that block off the light and the get dark, children are translucent, with no  conscious barriers between them and the light. Gods light shines through them unobstructed."

"Why do we care what other people think about us? Because we grow more insecure as we grow older, we want people to approve of us? Why are children more secure then adults? They are secure because they are connected to the source. And as you become more and more detached, we feel the light sort of diminish inside us and now we need other people to shine their light on us."

So, this book helped me to recognize fear, and how becoming Childlike, as the Savior invites us to do, will help us heal from fear to accept love into our hearts. I know that I want to become more Childlike so I can let go of the things I hold onto in my life that hold me back.

"Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven."
--Matthew 18:3

I Remember...

I was reading my scriptures today and came across a scripture that I remember I read on my mission. I had forgotten about this experience I am about to share until I came across this scripture this evening.
About 4 months in the field I became very discouraged and decided I wanted to go home. I thought about this for a few days and finally called up my mission president and his advise was to call my mom and get her advice....so I called my mom and she said "You know that you are welcome home at any time...but I think you should go to someone in your ward for a blessing tonight before you decide."
I took her advice and that evening I told my companion that I wanted to go by Bro. Felton's home and get a blessing from him. I did not know Brother Felton well at this moment, but I felt that was the person for me to ask for help.
When we got the Felton's home we sat down together and I told Bro. Felton that I felt as if I wanted to return home...he smiled and said "Well...thing is, that when you knocked on my door I was studying for a talk I am to give this Sunday...the talk is on "Full-filling your duties and callings"." We talked for a while and he shared with me what he had just been studying and I did feel the spirit. He shared a quote that says

"Deep within the individual is a vast reservoir of untapped power waiting to be used. No person can have the use of all this potential until he learns to know his or her own self. The trouble with many people who fail is they go through life thinking and writing themselves off as ordinary, common place persons, having no proper belief in themselves, they fail to utilize their talents. They live aimless and erratic lives ver largely because they never realize what their lives really can be or what they can become."  
-Norman Vincent Peale

After we talked for a while he went to change into his suit and tie, and prayed for guidance to know what to say when he laid his hands upon my head. I will always remember the challenge that was given to me during that blessing. He said "Sister Swaner, your Heavenly Father has a gift awaiting you, all you need to do is go to Him and ask for this gift and you shall receive it." After the blessing Bro. Felton told me to go home and pray for this gift, even if I had to kneel all night to receive it, it was worth the time I put in to asking for my Father in Heavens gift.
Well...I went home that evening and prayed and read my scriptures until 3:30 in the morning. I remember that every scripture I read held so much meaning that night. Finally...I received my gift from the Lord.

"Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.
Therefor, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see Him; for He will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in His own time, and in His own way, and according to His own will."
- D&C 88: 63, 67-68

I remember I read this scripture and I got on my knees once more. And while in prayer I felt what these scriptures promised. I remember the arms of my Savior came around me, and I never felt more love then I did in that moment.
Thank you Heavenly Father for thy gospel, for breath and for life.

On my mind.

Well...I cannot stop thinking this week about a revelation that my roommate made to me.
I for a very long time have had nightmares...the kind where I wake up screaming and crying. I first noticed when I was living with my brother 5 years ago and I know that it scared him...he would not go to sleep until I was completely out and he would often wake me up in the middle of the night telling me to stop screaming.
I honestly did not think I still was screaming in my sleep, because I haven't waken myself up from doing so for a long time...but my roommate informed me that I am waking her up with my screams.
I cannot get this off my mind the past few days...what am I dreaming about? I know when these dreams started, and I am sure It is still the same issues....all these years later.
Am I really so gaurded that I let my emotions only show in my sleep?
What can I do?
I need to think about this one.

The Great and Spacious Bulding

Lehi's Dream

"Even though you have a testimony and want to do what is right, it is difficult not to be drawn to the great and spacious building. From all appearances, the people in the building seem to be having a good time. The music and laughter are deafening...don't mistake telestial pleasure for celestial happiness and joy... the people in tat building have absolutely  nothing to offer except instant, short-term gratification and inescapably connected to long-term sorrow and suffering. The commandments you observe were not given by a dispassionate God to prevent you from having fun, but by a loving Father in Heaven who wants you to be happy while you are living on this earth, as well as in the hereafter." -Glen L. Pace

Oh my, I read this tonight and you don't know how much this applies to me right this minute.
I need to remind myself right now that this building has nothing to offer me... I have been there, I have spent time there...and it lead me ever so close to a spiritual and physical death...and it will be my ruin if I go back.
Satan is so smart...he knows how to sneak in, and he will never give up trying to make us miserable as he is.
Thank you God for those around me who care and please help me to allow them in...I cannot do this alone.

Trust

Tonight at an Institute class that I attended we discussed what At-One-Ment is. During this class I realized   just how much I hide myself from those around me because of my trust issues. I started to wonder how I will ever be Christlike if I don't allow people into my life. Of course I have friends and relationships...but I am so afraid of others intentions that I have not let anyone see the true me in a very long time.
Those who knew me before I was abused know my character...and I want to be that person again. I know I will never be the same as I was because I have been through things these past 6 years that have changed me... but I don't want those experiences to cause me to never have a real relationship with those around me.
In the class the instructor talked about the "storms" in life, and how those storms are moulding us to become Gods ourselves, and I felt such a peace as this was discussed.
I will open myself up as I journey through life...during the calm and stormy weathers ahead, and I choose not to spend the rest of my life alone. I do want to be At-One with my brothers and sisters and with my Savior.
Here's to more changes starting today!

Priesthood Blessings

I just want to share how grateful I am for Priesthood Blessings I have received in my life. I know if it were not for Priesthood holders and my faith in their blessings I would not be here today.
I remember when I was 12 years old I laid in a hospital bed knowing how close I was to leaving this earth... I was ready to go. I will tell you that my soul left my body and I watched my family speaking to nurses in the hall...I heard the nurse tell my dad I was not going to make it thru the night and he needed to prepare for that. I remember my dad calling my neighbor Ralph to ask him to come down to PCMC to assist him with a Blessing. I remember what I felt during that blessing, and I knew that it was my choice to leave this life or to continue on. I remember thinking of my mother already losing one child and how hard it would be for her to loose another. I remember deciding to stay.
This is why I struggle with bad choices I have made in my life. I KNOW the gospel is true, I know I would not be here if it were not for my faith that was so strong at age 12. And when I think of all the times I turned against my faith it makes me sad and I wonder how my Heavenly Father must feel as He watches me turn against Him after He allowed me to stay.
I choose to accept my past and I will strive to live by what I know is right.

Aint No Road Too Long

Waylon Jennings and Big Bird

Here are some lyrics from a movie I LOVED growing up...These Lyrics are so encouraging and fun too....YouTube This song.....






"Waylon Jennings: So you are the bird on the run, huh?

Big Bird: Oh, yeah! And I can't wait to get back to my real home on Sesame Street! I figure I can walk back there in, oh, about, uh, three hours.

Jennings: Three hours? More like three weeks, buddy.

Big Bird: Three weeks? Oh, no! Ill never get home.

Jennings: Sure you will. You just gotta keep going. Pick up your feet and follow your beak.

Big Bird: Oh, I don't know.

Jennings: Listen to me, son.

(sung)

I found out a long time ago
You gotta learn to say "yes" when life says "no"
Don't dwell on the bad times once they're past
That kind of thinking gets you nowhere fast

'Cause there ain't no mountain you can't climb
If you hang on tight and just make up your mind
Once you set your heart to movin' on
Son, there ain't no road too long

(Gordon, Olivia, and Cookie Monster are in a yellow Volkswagen, looking for Big Bird. Gordon is driving. They're all singing, unless it says otherwise.)

Gordon: Don't look back; don't you turn around!

Olivia: Just keep your eye on where you're bound!

Gordon and Olivia: And you're bound to get from here to there
'Cause a dream can take you anywhere!

Cookie Monster (spoken): Oh! Take me to cookies!

Super Grover: 'Cause there ain't no mountain you can't climb
If you hang on tight and just make up your mind

Count von Count: And once you set your heart to moving on, hut, hut
Then there is no road too long!
(Spoken) And you can count the telephone poles! One telephone pole, two telephone poles, three telephone poles, four telephone poles!

(Oscar is driving Maria and Telly in his Sloppy Jalopy. Maria is looking at a road map.)

(spoken)

Maria: Oscar, this isn't Route 12!

Oscar : Picky, picky, picky.

Telly: Oh, no!

Maria (as the Sloppy Jalopy lurches down a rolling field): Oh, oh!

Oscar: I never promised you a rose garden!

(Ernie is piloting Bert in an airplane as they look for Big Bird)

Ernie: Oh, we're gonna find him all right, Bert!

Bert: Yeah.

Ernie: Hey, you remember what color he is?

Bert: What?

Ernie: He's yellow!

Bert: Ernie!

(Ernie laughs and flies right over the truck without seeing Big Bird!)

(sung)

Big Bird: 'Cause there ain't no mountain you can't climb
If you hang on tight and just make up your mind!
And once you set your heart to movin' on
Yeah, there ain't no road too long

Jennings: Ain't no mountain you can't climb!

Big Bird (spoken): That's right!

Jennings: If you hang on tight and just make up your mind!

Big Bird (spoken): Uh huh!

Jennings: Once you set your heart to movin' on!

Big Bird (spoken): Sing it!

Jennings: There ain't no road too long!
There ain't no road too long!

Big Bird: There ain't no road too long!

Jennings: No, there ain't no road too long!

Big Bird (spoken): You're right! If I just keep on going, everything will turn out fine."

Feeling Blue

Dear M... "There are times, when I'm happy and times, when I'm blue, when I'm blue, it's because I'm thinking about you! It's hard, not to feel this way, for I miss you, so much, since we parted ways! It doesn't matter, that it's been so many years, as my eyes well up, once again and down come the tears! When, will I ever find peace, it really isn't easy, as my thoughts, never, cease? My heart is carrying, such a heavy load and at times, it feels, it's about to explode! I've come to the conclusion, there's nothing, that can take, this hurt away, as no matter what I do, in my heart and in my thoughts, is where you're going to stay!"      Arthur: Unknown

Today I have been feeling a little down and blue. I suppose I should just put it out there...thats the whole point of this blog, too share...
Well, M's (referred to in a earlier posts) birthday is coming up... I believe she will be turning 6, which just blows my mind. I cannot help but wonder how grown up she must be, what are her favorite things? Its been years and I am still so attached to her and her biological mother whom committed suicide. I still blame myself for her suicide and have to remind myself often that it was not my fault. I fear that I will never truly be able to get past that moment of my life.
But... Today is a new day...all I can do is work toward my own happiness. I wonder if I need Counseling...and  I hate to admit that my past affects me as much as it does. I wish there was someone to take all these feelings of inadequacy away... Oh wait...The Lord can help me, He has already suffered all my sins, all I need to do is ask for his help. I have been forgiven for my past through the Atonement... so why do I still struggle? Is that normal?
I think it comes down to how we are living our daily lives...are we making good choices? Are we serving our brothers and sisters? Honoring our parents? Attending church meetings and paying our tithing? Reading scriptures daily...and are we staying away from the things we are advised to stay away from?
I know that the years I was drinking and using tobacco products... I was the most miserable...I know that... but it doesn't make those cravings any less. It is a constant choice I have to make...give in to the cravings or make it one more day doing the right things?
"If It Is To Be It Is Up To Me"...the 10- 2 letter words that mean so much