I have the power to say "No"

Me and my roommate had a good chat tonight...and I would like to share what  I came to realize as a result of this conversation.

See... I have been struggling recently. I was doing so good for a while, and then everything just came apart again. I think it has something to do with the holidays...being alone, and having way too much time within my own head focusing on my past. But, because there was so much thinking going on...which lead to depression...I lost my ability to follow my own values.

I never had a problem standing up for myself, or saying "No" to someone....that was until one moment about 5-6 years ago that that right to say "No" was taken from me. I felt like I lost control to stand up for myself. And over the years since this incident I have had my good days and my bad days, days where I am strong and confident, and days that I am not strong and confident....which I need to remind myself are happening less and less (Yes! More good then bad days!). I am still learning and growing too, I am not perfect...but this isn't an excuse for behaving irresponsibly, I realize.

My point... I have the power to say "No"...its my right! No one....nothing...can take that right away from me. I choose to be myself, to stand up for myself, I know I am worthy enough, still, of what I want out of life....and I need to make choices that will help me get there.

I am sooo thankful for my friends and family that love me enough to help me through these times of up and downs... I know I don't thank you all enough.

I choose to start changing my life today... will you support and help me along the path I am choosing to take?

Its a Wonderful Life

Tonight, Christmas Eve, my family and I have enjoyed many of our usual traditions. One of these traditions is watching "Its a Wonderful Life". My family has watched this every year...and it wasnt until a few years years ago that I joined in on this tradition...and the year I finally watched it, it seemed the most fitting... and is still fitting today.
Here is the story line to the movie, incase you havent seen it...

As the film opens, it's Christmas Eve, 1946, and George, who has long considered himself a failure, faces financial ruin and arrest and is seriously contemplating suicide. High above Bedford Falls, two celestial voices discuss Bailey's dilemma and decide to send down eternally bumbling angel Clarence Oddbody who after 200 years has yet to earn his wings, to help George out. But first, Clarence is given a crash course on George's life, and the multitude of selfless acts he has performed: rescuing his younger brother from drowning, losing the hearing in his left ear in the process; enduring a beating rather than allow a grieving druggist to deliver poison by mistake to an ailing child; foregoing college and a long-planned trip to Europe to keep the Bailey Building and Loan from letting its Depression-era customers down; and, most important, preventing town despot Potter from taking over Bedford Mills and reducing its inhabitants to penury. Along the way, George has married his childhood sweetheart Mary, who has stuck by him through thick and thin. But even the love of Mary and his children are insufficient when George, faced with an $8000 shortage in his books, becomes a likely candidate for prison thanks to the vengeful Potter. Bitterly, George declares that he wishes that he had never been born, and Clarence, hoping to teach George a lesson, shows him how different life would have been had he in fact never been born. After a nightmarish odyssey through a George Bailey-less Bedford Falls (now a glorified slum called Potterville), wherein none of his friends or family recognize him, George is made to realize how many lives he has touched, and helped, through his existence; and, just as Clarence had planned, George awakens to the fact that, despite all its deprivations, he has truly had a wonderful life.

This year, I am grateful for my family tradition of watching this film about how important our lives are.... it inspires me and helps me to realize that their are lives we touch that sometimes go unnoticed, and each life is important. I know that depression is something I have struggled with for a few years now...to the point of trying to take my own life, like George did in the film... but, I am truly grateful that I am still here living and learning more about who I am and how valuable my life really is. There are so many things I need/want to learn.
I want to thank all of my family and friends who have stuck by me through my MANY ups and downs.... and I know there are more ups and downs ahead, but it would be so much more difficult to face whats ahead without all of you in my life who love and support me.

Now...a few of my favorite quotes from the movie :)

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

"You've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away?"

"Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends."



"

Testimony

We were challenged today in church to bear our testimonies every day till the end of the year. We are taught that we gain or strengthen our testimony by bearing it...so our assignment is to bear it to ourselves daily...out loud...in front of a mirror.

While we were being taught about Testimonies today what came to my mind was when I was in the MTC (Missionary Training Center), every night after the last class all the missionaries would gather outside and bear testimony to each other until it was time to return to our dorms. I will never forget the feeling in that circle of missionaries...hearing everyone sharing what they believe and why they believe it brought the spirit so strong. As a missionary you get the opportunity to bear your testimony all day, everyday...that is your calling really...to bear witness to what you know.

I know that for me it is hard for me to get up and share my testimony on Fast Sunday because of fear...I try to let the spirit lead me to say what I know...but I get so nervous and afraid and by the time I make it back to my seat after sharing my testimony... I think of all the things I left out. 

I think this challenge is great...it is important to remind ourselves often of what we know and believe. It also makes me think of when I was asked to write a letter to Joseph Smith expressing to him my gratitude for restoring the gospel and organizing Christ's church back on earth....that letter I wrote to him is a part of my testimony...and its still in my scriptures where I can review it from time to time.

Also, standing up for what we believe in is also bearing testimony of what we know. I know that I have not been the greatest example to those around me....I do not always stick to what I know and believe. But, tomorrow is a new day and I can start fresh and I will be who I know I am. My past is in the past...I am in the present, and I am challenging myself to stand up for me and what I believe, no matter what. 

I want to share my testimony....

I know that I have a Heavenly Father...who loves me and knows me by name. I know that my Brother, Jesus Christ suffered and died for me and you so that we may one day return to Him and our God, clean from all our sins. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored here upon the earth... fully restored. I know that through the restoration of the gospel I have a Prophet leading me, along with his 12 apostles. I know the Priesthood was also restored, and I know that the Priesthood being here upon the earth today is such a blessing...I know the Power of the Priesthood can heal us and lift us. I know that their is someone listening when I pray...and I know that He cares so much about me, even when I have turned my back on Him, He was patiently waiting for me to ask for Him back. I know the scriptures are true, because I have read them and I have knelt in prayer asking for my witness to their truth, and I received that witness.

Love to you all!!!

Lead Thou Me On

The past few days have been a little tough, but I also now realize they have been an accomplishment.
While resisting the urge to give into my temptations when they were within reach was the accomplishment, the realization that I still struggle caused some doubt within myself. I felt weak, even though I was strong...I judged myself of my past, even though I have and beleive the atonement.
I came home from that evening upset with myself for still having the urge to drink, when I should have been proud for not giving into those urges. I came home feeling judged by someone that was in my company because of my past, when in all reality its not their opinion that matters.
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
I choose to think back on this weekend as an accomplishment. I am human and I have urges, but I didn't give in to them. I believe with time those urges will become less and less, I just need a plan for when those urges come so I do not give in to them. I realize that I need to forgive myself of my past more than I already have...because it was tough recognizing that I still judge myself as much as I do for where I have been... I am heading in the right direction, shouldn't that be my focus? Its not where I have been...its where I am going. I choose to not let other people's perception of me affect me and my progress...not everyone knows where I have been and what I am struggling with, and that is okay...the people I want involved in my life anyways are those that see me for who I am, not who I was. I realize that I have to keep doing the small things everyday to succeed and be happy.... getting down on my knees to talk with my Heavenly Father and reading my scriptures DAILY is necessary.

Lead, kindly Light, amid the 'encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on;

The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead Thou me on.
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou
Shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on.
I loved the garish day, and spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will: Remember not past years.

So long Thy pow'r has blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile.

Grace

'

My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them'  -Ether 12:27

As I was going about my day today my thoughts were turned to Grace. I know that for me I have to remind myself about this amazing gift of grace more often than I would like to admitt. Through my doubts, fears and weakness' I have to remind myself of the grace that Jesus made available to me...if I have faith in Him and the Atonement.

I came across this explanation of Grace from LDS.org...

"Grace. A word that occurs frequently in the New Testament, especially in the writings of Paul. The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.

It is through the grace of the Lord Jesus, made possible by his atoning sacrifice, that mankind will be raised in immortality, every person receiving his body from the grave in a condition of everlasting life. It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts.

Divine grace is needed by every soul in consequence of the fall of Adam and also because of man’s weaknesses and shortcomings. However, grace cannot suffice without total effort on the part of the recipient. Hence the explanation, “It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (2 Ne. 25:23). It is truly the grace of Jesus Christ that makes salvation possible."

I am not expected to be perfect, but through Christ I can overcome all that I am here on this earth to overcome...and only through the grace of my Savior is that possible.

The First Vision

I have been thinking about the story of Joseph Smith and the First Vision. It stood out to me that when Joseph went to offer up his prayer to know which church was right that a mist of darkness came upon him.
Lets review his account...
"After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction."
I think it is so significant that the minute he got down on his knees and made the effort to go to God that Satan was right there to try and persuade him from accomplishing want Satan also knew Joseph could accomplish in that moment....because Satan knows us too. He watched us, studies us, knows our weaknesses...he wants us to fail.
He goes on...
"But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction--not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being--just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me."
This is an example to us that when we feel like we are at the end of our ropes, when despair takes over us that we need to offer up our prayer, only the Savior can save us from sinking into that despair...this goes along with my knew favorite quote of "When life gets to hard to stand...Kneel". The Savior did come and send away the darkness that was surrounding Joseph...all he had to do was ask and THE VERY MOMENT he called upon the Lord the darkness departed.
It goes on to say...
"It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other--"This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!"
This is the best part...They called him by name! Heavenly Father and His Son, our Brother...know us by name as well. How comforting it is to me that they know us personally.


I am so thankful for my testimony and I am thankful that I am able to strengthen that testimony whenever I seek the right things in my life. I know yours will become stronger as well as you strive to surround yourself with positive people and positive things.


Stand in Holy Places.

Will You Be There?

"Will You Be There"

1. 
   

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Will You Be There?

Weary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human

Everyone's Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World's
Got A Role For Me
I'm So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You'll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

(Hold Me)
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
(Softly Then Boldly)
(Carry Me There)

(Lead Me)
(Love Me And Feed Me)
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
(I Will Feel Blessed)

(Carry)
(Carry Me Boldly)
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me There)

(Save Me)
(Heal Me And Bathe Me)
(Softly You Say To Me)
(I Will Be There)

(Lift Me)
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me Boldly)
(Show Me You Care)

(Hold Me)
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
(Softly Then Boldly)
(Carry Me There)

(Need Me)
(Love Me And Feed Me)
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
(I Will Feel Blessed)

[Spoken]
In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.

Be Still My Soul

I just wanted to say tonight how grateful I am for music! Tonight instead of coming home and turning on the TV we started playing a Tabernacle Choir CD I have, and the feeling in my home was amazing. The house got quite (even the 3 year old) when Be Still My Soul played...lets review the words to this song...

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

This song makes me think of when Christ calmed the sea and said "Peace, Be Still"...I googled (thank goodness for google) this story and it says it so perfectly that I am just going to copy and past this...

"Jesus told his disciples to cross the Sea of Galilee. They had his Word that they would reach the other side. But then Satan came immediately to steal the Word, by attacking the ship with a storm. Some of the disciples were experienced fishermen who had spent a lifetime on the Sea of Galilee and should not have been so easily frightened. But this was no ordinary storm. There was something evil in both its timing and in its ferocity.

Instead of trusting in the Word, the disciples cried out to Jesus who was asleep, “Don’t you care?”

Jesus woke up and spoke to the wind and waves, “Peace, be still.” And then there was a  great calm. 

There will always be storms in life, both literal and figurative ones. How you react to them will determine if you are victorious. The disciples could have professed confidence in the Word of Jesus and provided an awesome testimony to the power of their faith. Instead, the stilling the storm miracle is a cautionary tale on how fear might sink the plans that God has for you.

You have the Word of God and the Holy Spirit inside you. Don’t ever doubt God’s love for you. Real faith is trusting in the love God has for you. If you doubt God’s love, how can you believe any of His promises? The ultimate lesson to learn from the story of Jesus calming the storm is that all things are possible if you believe. But fear will prevent you from receiving the miracle you need. Study the Word and the calming the storm miracle. God loves you. He will never let you fail if you trust Him."

http://kingskidstuff.com/miracles-of-jesus/calming-the-storm/

I have always loved this story...and I remember when I was a missionary and we would show the DVD "Finding Faith in Christ"...the part where he performs this act was always my favorite.

I know that Christ can calm the sea....IF WE ASK HIM. But the more amazing thing to think about...is in this story...He promised they would cross the sea...He did not promise there would be no storms along the way! Also, Sometimes the storm is what carries us to the other side... Today, I am thankful for the storms in my life that have got me to where I am today.

"Go Thy Way And Sin No More"

I had an institute class tonight that was of course AmAzInG! All I wanted to do was come home and share with you what I learned, and what I realized I already knew.

First thing that I wanted to share was the Repentance Process.
Now I know that we follow these steps for repentance
   -recognition 
   -remorse
   -restitution
   -reformation
   -resolution
But what was covered in my class tonight is something I know to be true from experience...and something I learned recently as well.
-THESE STEPS ARE NOT ENOUGH- we need to add "Replacing" to this list...these steps are important, don't get me wrong...but what is most important is the AtOneMent, accepting this gives us that "Change of Heart" (Alma 5:7 = Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word) that Alma speaks of.


I have experienced this change of heart recently, but before this change of heart I remember after being away from the church for a few years I knew I needed to start my repentance process...but I remember telling myself that I needed to Forsake my sins before I went to church and spoke with the bishop. I cant assure you that you cannot forsake your sins without replacing those sins with something good. I tried that, for a long time...I stopped using tobacco products, stopped being immoral and other actions I was taught were wrong...And although I was successful for a period long time, refraining myself from the things I knew were wrong... I was not practicing the things I knew were right. 
I wanted to have the past behind me before I went to the bishop...not recognizing that he could help me with the process...I didn't feel worthy of his help.


In St. Matthew 11:28, it says,
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."


This does not say "Come unto me all ye that WERE heavy Laden, and THEN I will give you rest." No! He is saying "Come to me and I will lift your burden and give you rest"...He doesn't say he will only lift this burden when it is light...He wants to help us along our path, He wants to carry our heavy load ...He knows we cannot do it without His help.


Going back to my experience of trying to forsake my sins before I asked for help...another thing that made this attempt not successful was I did not replace my sins with something good. You cannot leave this empty space within yourself and expect yourself to be strong enough to walk around with this empty space. We have to make a plan...in order to succeed we need to fill those voids with what will help us remain faithful. For instance, If you are an alcoholic, like I will always be, and you stop drinking...what are your plans for this weekend? You going to sit home and stare at the TV an hope you don't have a drink? Or will you pick up your scriptures, enroll in a 12-step program and surround yourself with people who life and encourage you? 
I recently decided to fill this gap. About 2 months ago I realized I was in trouble...I was idle, had nothing to fill my time with. Granted, I had stopped drinking and such a long time before this, but I was bored and saw that I needed to keep myself busy with good things in order to keep going. I didn't listen to my warning...and I ended up drinking for a few weeks. But now, I recognize why I started drinking again, and I did something about it. I am staying busy now...are the temptations still there? Yes, I am an alcoholic! But, I am making an effort and surrounding myself with things of light instead of sitting in the dark praying nothing will come my way to tempt me again.


Mosiah 24:13-14 says 


13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

This is another great scripture, that says the same thing to me at Matthew 11:28...He is telling us that He wants to come to us IN our afflicitons...not just after, but during.

I am so thankful for what I have learned in my life...I am thankful for my struggles and my joy. For if I have not known pain, I would not know Joy.

I want to tell you that you are worthy of our Savior...He accepts you even when you dont accept yourself. He will never turn His back on you, only you will turn your back on Him...I know this. He never leaves us, He is ready and willing to assist us and wants to ease our burdens...we just have to ask Him. And the amazing thing is that after we repent our sins are remembered no more! They are not filled away until they can be rubbed in our faces when we slip up again...He remembers them no more... We may remember them...that is okay...the point for us it to learn in remembrance...just don't dwell in remembrance.

In closing, I would love for you to think about the women taken in adultrey. She is brought before the Savior and the people ask "This woman was found in adultry, what say Thee?" and the Savior Replied "Those of you who have not sinned be the first to cast a stone."  


As the others leave the Savior and this Woman alone (for they were sinners as well) the Savior says to the Women "Where are Thine Accusers?" 
"No, no one Sir" she responed after seeing the room is now empty. The Savior then says "Then neither do I condemn Thee, Go and leave your life in sin" "Go thy way and Sin no more". Now...this was just from memory...don't quote me on that...but I love this story because the Savior did not make her feel bad about her sins by asking her questions He knew the answer to...ALL HE SAID, and I am sure He said it with so much move and with a heartfelt embrace that I talked about in a previous post, "Go thy way and sin no more".


"Go thy way and sin no more"

"Are Mormon Any Weirder Than The Rest Of Us?"

I just read a post by Rabbi Shmuley from The Huffington Post, whom of which I find so inspiring (The Rabbi).

His article is titled:

"Are Mormons Any Weirder Than The Rest Of Us?"

Read below what the Rabbi has said...

"I have been close to Mormons ever since my days at Oxford when Michael Taft Benson, whose grandfather, Ezra Taft Benson, was the prophet of the Mormon Church at the time, became a member and then an elected officer of our L'Chaim Society at the University. Thus began a lifelong friendship that continues today, with many visits to lecture for Mike at Southern Utah University and other mostly Mormon academies of higher learning in the majority Mormon state.

I have thus watched with mild amusement as the debate surrounding the beliefs of Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman have gained steam. Aren't the Mormons weird fanatics? Should we trust people with such strange beliefs with high office?

This is an interesting question coming from my evangelical brothers and sisters whose belief that a man, born of a virgin, was the son of G-d, only to die on a cross, and then be resurrected, is, with all due respect, not exactly the most rational belief either. It is equally interesting coming from Orthodox Jews, like myself, who believe that the Red Sea split, a donkey talked to Balaam and the sun stood for Joshua.

But it is equally strange coming from evolutionists like Richard Dawkins who have said, without a single shred of evidence, that life on our planet may have been seeded by space aliens. Even those evolutionists who reject Dawkins' faith in extraterrestrial life have a belief system of their own, namely, that intelligent life somehow evolved capriciously and accidentally from inorganic matter, even though the possibility of complex organisms evolving without guidance is mathematically nearly impossible. This is how Julian Huxley, who stemmed from the world's most famous family of evolutionary proponents, put the probability of the evolution of a horse:

"A proportion of favorable mutations of one in a thousand does not sound much, but is probably generous ... and a total of a million mutational steps sounds a great deal, but is probably an understatement. ... With this proportion, we should clearly have to breed a million strains (a thousand squared) to get one containing two favorable mutations, and so on, up to a thousand to the millionth power to get one containing a million. ... No one would bet on anything so improbable happening ... And yet it has happened!"

Yes, even men of science can believe things that can be construed as highly irrational.

Now, do I believe that Joseph Smith found ancient tablets written in reformed Egyptian in upstate New York, that Jesus Christ appeared to the people of South America as recorded in the book of Mormon, or that when a Mormon dies he becomes a god and gets his own planet? No. Respectfully, I do not. Nor should it matter. It is what a person does, rather than what they believe, that counts. It took four years for the Dalai Lama to be identified as the reincarnation of his predecessor in a process that to Western eyes can appear highly arbitrary. Yet, the Dalai Lama remains one of the most respected men alive because of his commitment to world peace and good works.

Misguided attacks on groups like the Mormons stems from a willful desire on the part of many to fraudulently identify people with a different faith system as fanatics and, therefore, a brief discussion of religious fundamentalism is in order.

The most confusing story of the Bible involves G-d's commandment to Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. What was this G-d, who would later declare that all human, and especially child, sacrifice to be an abomination, thinking?

The most insightful commentary I have seen on this story comes from the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, who says that the key to the story is to see Isaac not as an individual but as a religion. Who was Isaac? He was Judaism. He was the person who would continue Abraham's belief system. With his death, everything that Abraham had taught in terms of his rejection of paganism and the belief in one G-d would be lost.

The test, therefore, was this: Would Abraham follow G-d's commandment to kill off his religion or would he put his religion before G-d's will? What really mattered to Abraham? G-d or Judaism? And if they were to be put in conflict, what would he choose? The religious fanatic is the man or woman who has ceased to serve G-d and has begun worshipping their religion, making their faith into yet another false idol. Religion is solely the means by which by which we come to have a relationship with our Creator. But when it becomes a substitute for G-d it becomes soulless and fanatical, seeing as there is no loving deity to temper it. It is in this light that we can understand why an Islamic fundamentalist is so deadly, seeing as he is even prepared to go against G-d's express commandment not to murder in order to strike a blow for the glory, not of the deity, but Islam.

Hence, our concern need not be with a person's faith in public office. It does not matter if they are Jewish, evangelical, Mormon or Muslim. What does matter is whether their faith is focused on relating to G-d and, by extension, caring for G-d's children, or whether they see the purpose of their high station to promote their particular religion. It is easy to identify the difference. People who are in a relationship with G-d are humble and do their utmost to refrain from judging others. Their proximity to a perfect being reminds them of their own fallibility. Their experience of G-d's compassion leads them to be merciful and loving. But those who worship a religion are arrogant and think they have the only truth. They are dismissive of other people's beliefs and maintain that advancing the cause of their religion is more important than life itself. The rabbi in Israel who recently made the strange comment that soldiers should face a firing squad rather than listen to a woman sing is a classic example of this heresy.

Those who worship their religion evince the classic characteristic of cult members. Whereas a real faith system is empowering and makes one strong and capable of operating outside their own faith community, cult members can only identify with other members of their group and require the environment of the cult in order to function. They don't have beliefs. Rather, they take orders.

I see none of these characteristics in Mitt Romney, Jon Huntsman -- who graciously hosted me along with my guest Elie Wiesel in the governor's mansion in Utah a few years back -- or any of my countless other Mormon friends. All should be judged on their merits as people and politicians, whatever their faith and whatever their beliefs."

--Rabbi Shmuley Boteach 

I am loving the analogies, and I appreciate the Rabbi for not knocking down on our faith like so many have...in fact I truly do agree with him...The relationship with the Creator is what should matter., and I know that there are people within our religion who do put God and His Son first and foremost. No religion is perfect...we have never claimed that the religion is perfect...we just claim that it is the way back to God and His Son, hence the "mormons" true name..."The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints".

Hold My Hand

"Hold my Hand"

--Michael Jackson

This life don't last forever
(Hold my hand)
So tell me what we're waiting for
(Hold my hand)
We're better off being together
(Hold my hand)
Being miserable alone
(Hold my hand)

(Together):
Cause I been there before and you've been there before, But together we can be alright. (alright) (yeah)
Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold we hold Each other till we see the sunlight.

So if you just hold my hand, baby, I promise that I'll do all I can
Things will get better if you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us if you just hold, hold my, hold, hold my, hoold my hand, hold my hand.

Akon:
The nights are gettin' darker (darker)
(Hold my hand)
And there's no peace inside (inside)
(Hold my hand)
So why make our lives harder
(Hold my hand)
By fighting love tonight
(So hold...)

(Together):
Cause I been there before and you've been there before, But together we can be alright. (alright)
Cause when it gets dark and when it gets cold we hold Each other till we see the sunlight. (ooh yeah)

So if you just hold my hand, baby, I promise that I'll do all I can
Things will get better if you just hold my hand (yeah)
Nothing can come between us if you just hold, hold my, hold, hold my, hoold my hand, hold my hand.

Bridge:
I can tell that you're tired of being lonely (yeah)
Take my hand don't let go, baby, hold me (yeah)
Come to me and let me be your one and only (hold my hand)
Cause I can make it alright till the morning. (hold my hand)

I can tell that you're tired of being lonely (hold my hand)
Take my hand don't let go, baby, hold me (hold me)
Come to me and let me be your one and only (one and only)
Cause I can make it alright till the morning. (hold my hand)

Hold my hand, (yeah) baby, I promise that I'll do all I can (hold my hand)
Things will get better if you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us if you just hold, hold my, hold, hold my, hoold my hand, hold my hand

Hold my hand, (yeah) baby, (yeah) I promise that I'll do all I can (hold my hand)
Things will get better if you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us if you just hold, hold my, hold, hold my, hold my hand, hold my hand.

A word I have been thinking about a lot lately is "embrace"...I think about my Saviors Embrace, the Embrace of a friend...and pondering this makes me think of the song above. 

We all need Love in our lives...whether thru a friend or turning to the Savior....we cannot, and are not expected to endure this life alone.

Love you all! Thanks for being there for me, I hope I can do the same for all of you.

The Scorpion and the Turtle

"A turtle was happily swimming along a river when a scorpion hailed it from the shore.

A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. "Are you mad?" exclaimed the turtle. "You'll sting me while I'm swimming and I'll drown."

"My dear turtle," laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you, and drown as well. Now where is the logic in that?"

The turtle thought this over, and saw the logic of the scorpion's statement. "You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river the scorpion gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:

"Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?"

"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "I don't know. I can't help myself, that's just the way I am.""

"To defeat Satan on the battleground of change we must NEVER say "That's just the way I am". To win our battles with Satan we must accept the fact that there is no desire, no habit, no addiction so deeply ingrained and permanent that it is inescapable. " --Putting on the Armor of God


This is such a great analogy to me. I was the scorpion in this story for a long time...I would use the excuse of "Its just the way I am"...but I testify to you that we can change...thru Christ, the gospel  and the Atonement we can overcome anything we desire to overcome.

Thats the trick though...do we desire to change?

Another quote from Putting on the Armor of God is "We must understand the difference between merely CONTROLLING our bad habits and ALLOWING Christ to change our hearts and nature so that we no longer want the habits."

Do you hear me now? Good!

I just accepted something into my soul tonight that changes everything, and as I am looking back over just the past week alone on how many times the Lord has repeated a particular message to me thru friends, scriptures, books and institute I smile and feel comforted for He didnt give up on sharing this message with me, He kept repeating himself until I understood His message that He so wanted me to learn.

"Whether we like it or not, our trials and struggles can tend to accelerate or push toward godliness." 

I have been so focused on dwelling in the past, feeling as if I need to be punished for my life and where it has gone, that I wasnt hearing/understanding what the Lord has been waiting for me to take into my heart.

It is such a releif, the truest weight off my shoulders realizing that my Savior has been patiently waiting for me to hear Him. He wants me to come back, He needs me to struggle so that I may accomplish what I came here to accomplish.

My Patriarchal blessing in the first paragraph tells me that my Heavenly Father is concerned for my wellfare and well-being, for I was instructed concerning my time upon the earth and the special mission I need to accomplish. Upon instruction of my special mission and the informing of the trials I would be faced with...I AGREED to the struggles explained to me and promised to strive with all my heart to remain faithful and positive.

Thank you God for not giving up on me...I understand now that its not meant to be easy. Thank you for the lessons I have learned thru sweat and tears.

Just Hold Me

I read a book today called "Just Hold Me" by Don Staheli...Let me share what I highlighted in my reading.

"The loving arms of the Savior are open wide to revieve us-- that when no one else seems to be around, when others do not appear to understand or even pay attention to our need for a hug, He is there. "if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after us...we can still be clasped in the arms of Jesus"."

"When as the world calls to us, should we drift a bit toward the siren song or even fall headlong into the grasp of evil hands, we can come to our senses and run to the sheltering arms of the Savior. Comfort and reassurance will arrive, and we can find safety and love in His waiting arms."

"Though it may seem that our own displacement from the right way has put us too far out to be reclaimed, it is not so. Not for anyone. If it is lost we feel, then we can listen to the voices calling for our return and move in their direction."

"His arms are open and He WILL respond with warmth and love. He wont say a word to condemn us; we have plenty of those for ourselves. He will only offer His embrace."

"The harsh realities of life are unlikely to be completly erased. Nonetheless, we can find peace in the knowledge that, whether in this life or the next, all will be made well. The sustaining arms of the Lord will give us strength to endure what He CHOOSES not to remove."

"Dwelling on our failures and feeling guilty or unworthy, we wrongfully assume He would have no interest in us, or we imagine that he might entirely reject us. How many times and how many ways does He have to offer His embrace before we trust in His sincerity?"

"The truth is, despite our straying from the righteousness, regardless of how we may have distanced ourselves from God, our Father/Redeemer will come to us and, in a manner as real as any father's embrace, will have compassion and encompass us in His fervent welcome back. He is watching and waiting for our return. If we move toward Him, He will come out to greet us. Time and distance, whether physical or spiritual, pose no obstacle for Him."

"He has stood over us, arms outstreched in both a protective and receptive mode, defending, healing, comforting and gathering in those who would look to Him and live."

"To pry apart the clutching fingers of our enraged enemy and break his painful grasp, we must humble ourselves, cease our destructive behavior, call upon God, and believe in His ultimate love and kindness."

"It doesn't take much to slow us down o even bring us to a halt. Sin will cause us to slacken our pace, even more quickly than a pebble in our shoe. If the gravel or evil and the grit of sin get in where they dont belong they will create enough pain to stop even the best of us. We MUST pause in our efforts, bend or even better kneel down, and remove the offending source of spiritual pain. Sometimes this is accomplished with the help of others and always within the protecting arms of the Savior, who will shield and protect us until we are able to regain our balance, tie life back on like a comfortable shoe, and stride off to meet whatever the ard packed pathway of mortality might bring us next."

"A hug is a hug, even if theres no touching involved. We can embrace with our eyes, enfold with a few words, and clasp with a moment of sincere interest. Simply by paying sincere heed to another person, he or she will feel embraced and held. A physical hug would be inappropriate and unwelcome in many situations, but it is rare that rapt attention would be rejected by one who is attempting to connect without literally connecting. A warm exchange of intellect or honest acknowlegment of worth can be fullfilling, even without any sharing of body heat."

"We must look to the One who will rekindle our hope and reignite our will to carry on. We may do our seeking on bended knee with the hands folded and head bowed, awaiting the inspiration of God. We might search Him out in the scriptures and other good books, led by the Spirit as our eyes scan the pages for new thoughts and ideas to be discovered in His word."

"The depths of human sorrow cannot take us so low that He is not there to attend."

"You must reach beyond a sense of the infinity of the Atonement to accept the portion thereof intended for you and you alone. You have the priviledge of His embrace. He is not on the cross. He is not in the tomb. He stands looking upon you asking, "Whome seekest thou?" He whispers YOUR name and waits for you to recognize Him. He wants you to feel His embrace. So yield to His entreaty. Give in to His love and, please, please say to the Savior, "Just Hold me, Tighter."

I would highly recommend this book to everyone, espessially those who are struggling to feel love and even those who feel they are not worthy of the love that is so freely waiting for them.

The Child Spirit

I love this photo... I grew up in the same area as the girl in this photo. Her dad was my bishop when she passed, around the time I was diagnosed with cancer at age 12

Today I read a 145 page book, cover to cover.
It is called "Honoring the Child Spirit" by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in conversation with Michael Jackson...This book was so amazing! Let me share some things that I highlighted while reading this book.

"So many of us lose that childlike innocence. We go from being big-hearted, big minded, to being small-minded, petty-minded? How do we get trapped into believing innocence is bad until we squander our natural treasures, our natural childhood, and become what everyone wants us to be? One of your gifts, Michael, is that you saw early that adulthood has two sides. It can be mature and wise, but it also can be an empty suit, the embodiment of ruthless ambition and the wrong values."

SB: "After all the hatred that has been shown you, it hasn't corrupted you in any way? You have never felt bitter? people become cynical adults because sometimes the scars of the world sink in and the pain corrupts them internally. They cannot afford to remain naive and innocent. The world has taken advantage of their innocence. So they have to put their dukes up in order to protect themselves. How did you rise above that? ---
MJ: "For me, I rise above that because I believe in the truth. I believe in children-- in becoming childlike again."

SB: "You want to empower people to hold on to their child nature and childlike spirit, don't you? It seems that adults start out really big and get smaller. They get diminished through all the pain and trials of life. They start sweet, sweet as kids, but they begin to sour. When a fruit gets detached from a tree, in the first few days it's okay, but then it begins to wither. Kids are so much closer to that natural source, aren't they, and they're therefor sweeter. But how do we teach adults to reconnect so that they don't decay-- so they don't become more materialistic, bitter and forlorn? Not some sort of fictional fountain of youth but some source of nature and paradise they can find on the inside. The fountain of youth is always there. And you believe that you've tapped into it. So you need to lead people to its source. We have to identify how adults lose that Godly nature as they grow older..."

"Our minds create our world. Our thought processes create what we get in life and become. We just forget. I am not saying we just forget. We are created in His image and if you are created in my image, its like looking in the mirror."

"It is what I say is the difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is not a bad thing, we think jealousy is a bad emotion. Jealousy is an act of possessiveness to claim what is rightly yours. The problem is not jealousy but envy. Envy is where you want to have that which belongs to somebody else. So jealousy makes us zealously guard the integrity of our relationships. Envy makes us desire someone else's possessions or relationships and live permanently lusting after that which is not ours."

"Love and fear are opposites. The quintessential posture of love is to extend yourself, to expose your soft underbelly. When you hug someone you literally create a space within yourself for someone else to exist. You make yourself vulnerable. But the quintessential  posture of fear is the very opposite. Its to draw in your extremities, to bring in your arms and your legs to protect your torso. With love you expand, but with fear you contract, you devolve back to an embryonic state."

"So, if God is light, to use that metaphor, whereas adults build these barriers that block off the light and the get dark, children are translucent, with no  conscious barriers between them and the light. Gods light shines through them unobstructed."

"Why do we care what other people think about us? Because we grow more insecure as we grow older, we want people to approve of us? Why are children more secure then adults? They are secure because they are connected to the source. And as you become more and more detached, we feel the light sort of diminish inside us and now we need other people to shine their light on us."

So, this book helped me to recognize fear, and how becoming Childlike, as the Savior invites us to do, will help us heal from fear to accept love into our hearts. I know that I want to become more Childlike so I can let go of the things I hold onto in my life that hold me back.

"Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven."
--Matthew 18:3

I Remember...

I was reading my scriptures today and came across a scripture that I remember I read on my mission. I had forgotten about this experience I am about to share until I came across this scripture this evening.
About 4 months in the field I became very discouraged and decided I wanted to go home. I thought about this for a few days and finally called up my mission president and his advise was to call my mom and get her advice....so I called my mom and she said "You know that you are welcome home at any time...but I think you should go to someone in your ward for a blessing tonight before you decide."
I took her advice and that evening I told my companion that I wanted to go by Bro. Felton's home and get a blessing from him. I did not know Brother Felton well at this moment, but I felt that was the person for me to ask for help.
When we got the Felton's home we sat down together and I told Bro. Felton that I felt as if I wanted to return home...he smiled and said "Well...thing is, that when you knocked on my door I was studying for a talk I am to give this Sunday...the talk is on "Full-filling your duties and callings"." We talked for a while and he shared with me what he had just been studying and I did feel the spirit. He shared a quote that says

"Deep within the individual is a vast reservoir of untapped power waiting to be used. No person can have the use of all this potential until he learns to know his or her own self. The trouble with many people who fail is they go through life thinking and writing themselves off as ordinary, common place persons, having no proper belief in themselves, they fail to utilize their talents. They live aimless and erratic lives ver largely because they never realize what their lives really can be or what they can become."  
-Norman Vincent Peale

After we talked for a while he went to change into his suit and tie, and prayed for guidance to know what to say when he laid his hands upon my head. I will always remember the challenge that was given to me during that blessing. He said "Sister Swaner, your Heavenly Father has a gift awaiting you, all you need to do is go to Him and ask for this gift and you shall receive it." After the blessing Bro. Felton told me to go home and pray for this gift, even if I had to kneel all night to receive it, it was worth the time I put in to asking for my Father in Heavens gift.
Well...I went home that evening and prayed and read my scriptures until 3:30 in the morning. I remember that every scripture I read held so much meaning that night. Finally...I received my gift from the Lord.

"Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.
Therefor, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see Him; for He will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in His own time, and in His own way, and according to His own will."
- D&C 88: 63, 67-68

I remember I read this scripture and I got on my knees once more. And while in prayer I felt what these scriptures promised. I remember the arms of my Savior came around me, and I never felt more love then I did in that moment.
Thank you Heavenly Father for thy gospel, for breath and for life.