Starting Today

I admit that I have been slowly going down the road that just took me so long to get up. I think its a testimony that I am doing the right things...otherwise there would not be so much opposition.

Here are some things I want to do in the near or not so near future.
I want to feel better physically, mentally and spiritually.
I would like to loose 75lbs.
I would like to read and pray daily.
I would like to do service once a week, attend a session once a week and sleep in on Saturday instead of Sunday so I make it to church on time.
I would like to do something challenging instead of watching movies, like making clothes, jewelry and paint artwork.

All in all....I need to feel better about my life and where it is going. I need to stretch myself daily...it is okay to feel uncomfortable at times.  I need to make friendships outside of my home.

I hope you can help me do what I need to do to be the best KayLeigh I can be. And please understand how hard it is for me to be social...I just got off 3 years of complete isolation, have some faith and patience.

I sometimes feel like people think I am weird or off...really, I am just extremely shy and have built up walls that are hard to take down...I am not mentally challenged, just cautious and shy. Unfortunately my life experiences have led me to feel it is better to be alone, but I know thats not true.

Addiction, and the Road to Recovery

I have learned that by taking life one day at a time is the only way to get through the days when those addictions come banging on my door. I think about all those times I could have picked up a bottle over the past 2 years of giving up my alchohol (and other things), and the only way I was able to do that was by focusing on the moment. I cannot tell you that I have mastered my addictions... I guess they wouldn't be called addictions if they were no longer "addicting", but I have to keep putting one foot in-front of the other. I have fallen countless times, but I cannot let it get me down or stop my progress I have made.
What helps you get through your addictions? I really hope for some responses as I need some help myself here. The past week has been super tough for me, as Satan is working extra strongly to get me to give in to him.
Michael Jackson used to record himself giving pep talks and would then listen to them afterward...his biggest motto was "You are confident...You are strong...You are beautiful...You are the Greatest.". He also said "When you say it out loud, and you keep repeating it, the subconscious can make it come true." He beleived that if he put something out there--and said something was so--it would become reality. "Think it, See it, Believe It, Make it happen...Will it into reality."
This is one of the many things that make me draw near to Michael as a person. He was hurt by the country he loved, and had no true connections as those who are famous never have...Yes, he did make some bad choices in life, but the world treated him so badly even after being found Not Guilty, And I look up to him for being such a strong person and I find him so inspiring.
One of my Favorite Michael Jackson songs is "Man in the Mirror"...hear these words....

"Man In The Mirror"

Ooh ooh ooh aah
Gotta make a change
For once in my life
It's gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right

As I turned up the collar on
A favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind
Pretending not to see their needs

A summer's disregard
A broken bottle top
And a one man's soul
They follow each other
On the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change, yey
Na na na, na na na, na na na na oh ho

I've been a victim of
A selfish kinda love
It's time that I realize
There are some with no home
Not a nickel to loan
Could it be really pretending that they're not alone

A willow deeply scarred
Somebody's broken heart
And a washed out dream
(Washed out dream)
They follow the pattern of the wind ya' see
'Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make that change

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
(Man in the mirror, oh yeah)
I'm asking him to change his ways, yeah
(Change)
No message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make the change
You gotta get it right, while you got the time
'Cause when you close your heart
(You can't close your, your mind)
Then you close your mind

Just lift yourself
You know, you got to stop it yourself
(Yeah)
Oh
Make that change
(I gotta make that change today, oh)
(Man in the mirror)
You got to, you got to not let yourself, brother oh

Great song....so uplifting. If you havent heard it....Give it a listen on You Tube.
And once again...what helps you through your addictions and bad days?
Night

A Few of my Favorite Things

"Grumpier Old Men"

Grumpier Old Men

I was thinking of posting something random tonight...maybe my most embarressing story perhaps? Okay... Well I suppose I can share one moment I cringed over for a long time, and I only share this because it was so long ago.
When I was in 10th grade, my English teacher gave us the opportunity for extra credit. The assignment was to bring a clip from a movie that was humorous. Well, those who know me know I am a pro and procrasinating :)  So, as I was about to leave for school the morning the Extra Credit was due I remembered I needed to grab a movie with a funny scene in it to share with the class.
I quickly scanned our movies looking for anything funny and I saw the movie "Grumpier Old Men"...I hadn't seen the movie for a few years, but I knew it was funny because my parents sure gave a good laugh during that movie.
So, I get to school and play the Gag-Reel scenes that are played during the credits at the end of the movie...Have you seen "Grumpier Old Men"?

The old Man that is so "hilarious"

Well...lets just say as I am sitting in 10th grade English watching this "funny" movie I brought... and I realize why my parents had found this movie funny and why I had not when I had seen it prior... it was pretty dirty humor and wouldn't have been something I would have understood when I first saw the movie.
So my class who had laughed at everyone else's movies is now sitting in silence as my movie clip is played and as I am sinking lower into my seat....finally my teacher kindly asks me to turn the movie off.
I was so embarresed and was made fun of in the family for a long time afterward for being so innocent...and I was a very innocent child :) No one ever said a word to me at school about bringing the movie...thats just how innocent I was.

Saying Goodbye...till we meet again

It has always been a struggle for me to say goodbye to those I love and care about when they leave this mortal life, admitting this I must say I cannot imagine struggling with the death of a loved one without the knowledge of knowing I will see them again.
My first experience with death was my Grandpa O who committed suicide after having been tethered to his oxygen tank for a most of his life. He had black lung disease from working in the coal mines and was and still is my absolute favorite person that I have ever known. I know that he has been there with me throughout my life, I know some may not think that is possible since he did take his own life, but I believe God knows us perfectly and He knew my Grandpa's health struggles and pain he lived with day in and day out. I remember this being the first time I sang at a funeral, and I sang "I Come to The Garden"...and I have sung at many funerals since.
In my early teen years I remember going to a lot of funerals of those who did not win their fight with cancer like I had...I always had a hard time going to my friends funerals who had not won their fight, it was a mix of feeling blessed and guilty at the same time.
The hardest funeral I have had to deal with was that of a friend of mine who also committed suicide. I will call her H in this blog from here on out, as I may refer to her often as this story is what brings me the most sadness and which caused me to slide off my rocker for a long time.
I met H when I worked for a local Credit Union in Northern Utah, we sat next to one another and became great friends. She told me all about her crazy life, her daughter M and husband R and some of it I believed. Then, she decided to get a divorce from her husband and I watched her sweet M as she delivered the knews. When she had the house and daughter to herself she started partying to hard and got into trouble with the police and the daughter went back to the Husband. Now H had told me all these horrible things about the husband, and I mostly believed her so I was a little wary when R (husband) called me and asked me to help him with M since he had her all to himself now. I agreed of course, I loved little M...and R made a pretty good case for himself that H had been wrong about him and that H was crazy.
Well... I moved in with R to help him with little M while he and H were still getting a divorce...and H committed suicide. I will never forget that day for as long as I live that I got a phone call that H had shot herself and as I am hearing this I am watching M sleep oblivious in my rear view mirror. I felt like I should have listened to H, and now here I was living in her house watching her daughter M while R was working. H didn't have any family around so R and I planned the funeral with the help of the church. I buried her in pajamas and it haunts me. My brother said the family prayer and my dad dedicated her grave... she didn't even know them.
A relationship grew between R and I after H had committed suicide....but it was not a good relationship. He was very mentally abusive, and then I could see why H committed suicide herself, and then I remembered that she had told me all about him, and I didn't listen.... but It took a lot to walk out of that home because R was so manipulative, and M, well....I loved M and I still do.
This story I just shared has done a lot of damage to my soul. It is hard to share. And those of you that know me that catch me starring off into space....I am most likely thinking about M, and about H.

Great- Grandma Reta

Well....I just found out tonight that my last great-grandparent passed away. About 2 years ago Great-Grandma Annie who was 102 years old past away and I struggled hard with that one, and I cannot stop crying now with this death of Grandma Reta although I was not as close, I admit. Death just makes me so upset for obvious reasons, and I think of all the time I missed sharing with that person...I need to work on spending quality time with those I love. I love you Grandma Reta...I hope you enjoy your reunion with your husband and the rest of your family you have been separated from, I am glad we got to enjoy you for as long as we did!
I know that I feel so grateful to know that this life is not the end... I will see my loved ones again...and so can you. I am thankful for families and I am thankful for the gospel which teaches all I need to know to live with those I love again after this mortal death. I am thankful for temples and the work we do in the temples is soooo important. I am thankful to be a part of that work.

My dad and his family and Parents...only Grandparents left.

Endure To The End

D&C 14:7 reads, "And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God."

This scripture has always been one of my favorites...it is so comforting and guiding for me throughout my life as I remember its words. When I am having a bad day or am going through a tough time with something particular... I recite this scripture in my head reminding myself that if I keep the commandments and endure I will receive the greatest gift of all.
The word Endure has come to mean a lot to me throughout my life. As I go through hard times and as I am enduring the trail that is put before me I remember that God would not put before me what I could not handle.
It is still something I have to remind myself of on occasion to keep positive and endure for that gift of eternal life I so long for... and I am striving to keep that positive attitude as I try and live life to the fullest.
"Practice doesn't make perfect, it makes consistency."

Patriarchal Blessing

One of the most important things to me is family, and having one of my own one day... am I in a hurry to get married? No. Do I ever get lonely? Yes. But I keep reminding myself that I need to wait for the right one to come along.
For the past 5 years I was too quick into the next relationship after one did not work out and just jumped from one man to the next. Was it fun? At times. Was it worth it? No. I am happier now then I was a year ago? By far...so I would rather be where I am then in one of those relationships that brought only moments of happiness.
I am looking for eternal happiness, and if I have to wait eternity to find it...I can do that. I just want the kids now, but they too will have to wait until I find a man I can spend eternity with....It is worth the wait.

Im my Patriarchal Blessing it tells me that I am blessed with patience...I am starting to think this is true ;) It goes on to tell me that I will be blessed with a companion and together we will be blessed with a posterity who under my guidance and direction will grow and mature resisting temptation and evil, loving and serving the Lord.
These words have brought me so much comfort... Being a Cancer Survivor I was not sure if I could have children but when I got my patriarchal blessing at such a young age those fears went away...I will have my family if I love and serve the Lord myself.
I love my patriarchal blessing so much...and I am glad that I can keep it close to me for when I need its comfort...Maybe you should pull yours out and remember your promises and gifts as well?

Charity Never Faileth

I know that I am having more good days then bad ones as I am making good choices in life... but it doesn't exclude me from the bad days. In fact, today has not been a great day.
I have dealt with depression and if I am not careful I can slip right back into a bad routine... I also in the past have got so far into depression that I have completely isolated myself. Having been to a point where I have isolated myself completely for a long period of time it has been hard for me to allow people back into my life, to trust others and to see people as kind on occasion. I have to constantly remind myself to be Christlike and allow others into my life.
Christ is a perfect example... and with whatever we may be struggling with we can look to Him to ask for His help or we can look at the life that He lived and Follow Him as He so often invites us to do in the scriptures..
I need to be more Christlike and Charitable. I studied Charity tonight and these scriptures were my findings.
In Moroni 7:45 it says,
"Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, beleiveth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."
It is also a commandment that is given to us to be charitable (AKA Christlike)...you have heard it before.
John 13:34-35
"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another."
and Moroni 7:46-47 tells us just how important it is for us to be found Charitable in the sight of God.
"If ye have not Charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all ... and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."

Our Body is a Temple.

St. George, UT LDS Temple

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 it says 

"Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are."

One of the 1st things I did when started living an un-happy life was get some tattoo's.  This may not seem like a big deal to some, but it is a constant reminder to me of where I have been... and they will always be there.
I got 3 tattoo's about 3-4 years ago, and got one more about 4 months ago on a really hard day.... not too long before I got my temple recommend back. It was one of those days where Satan was working overtime to make me feel alone and that I had no value, and that my efforts to be good did not mean much... so I went quickly and got a tattoo without much thought...a big one.
Upon reviewing this recent tattoo I realized that the artist did not do a good job, the lines aren't straight, the filling isn't all the way filled, it is extremely smeared, etc. So I went and asked for my money back thinking that it would help me feel better since this tattoo I will now have to live with does not even look good....but when I went in and talked to the shop they tried to talk me into letting them fix it.
I told them that I did not want it fixed, that I had made life changes and getting more ink on my body was not something I would do, and wasn't something I should have done in the first place. The tattoo artist says "Are you one of them Mormons? We tattoo Mormon's all the time." I replied, "Yes, I am one of those Mormons, but it is a personal choice for me not to get more ink on my body."... He replied, "In your Mormon Temple's don't you hang up fine art? Aren't you surrounded by pretty things inside your Mormon Temple?" I got so upset that he was trying to change my mind that I just needed to leave the tattoo shop right then before I said something I rude.
Our bodies are our temples, and its out duty to keep them clean.
I know that I must now live with my choice until I can get my tattoo's removed...think twice before you make the same mistake for yourself that I did in getting them in the first place. I truly feel as if I defiled my body when I look at my body, but until you get to know me better you will understand that I felt I deserved that punishment for a long time.
Satan is good at what he does, that I can assure you. But he is not right, nor does he have the best interest for us in mind...he is selfish and wants us to be miserable like he is himself.

The Shepherd and His Sheep

Today, thinking about the love that my Brother, Jesus Christ has for each one of us....the perfect, eternal love...I was trying to remember where in the scripture it talks about the 99 sheep and how the Shepherd will leave those 99 sheep behind to go find the one lost sheep...because the one missing sheep is enough concern for the Shepherd.
Unfortunatly, I could not find the scripture but I did find a similair one, it is:
Alma 5: 59-60...
"For what shepherd is there among you having many sheep doth not watch over them, that the wolves enter not and devour  his flock? And behold, if a wolf enter his flock  doth he not drive him out? Yea, and at the last, if he can, he will destroy him.
And now I say unto you that the good shepherd doth call after you; and if you will hearken unto his voice he will bring you into his fold, and ye are his sheep; and he commandeth you that ye suffer no ravenous wolf to enter among you, that ye may not be destroyed."
I am so happy that I have a Savior who loves me and who makes it possible for me to return to my Heavenly Father spotless. How blessed we are for have a loving Savior.

"Too Far Gone"

I know that I have never not believed in my beliefs...they have never changed. Of course there have been times I have been more spiritual in life or had a stronger testimony compared to another point of time... but my basic beliefs were always there. Even when I was hitting rock bottom and not feeling worthy of the life I wanted and believed in...I believed everyone else was worthy of it and its blessings and encouraged them to make the right choices (obviously not by example).
I knew that Jesus Christ had already suffered for my sins, I just had to ask for his help and forgiveness....I had a testimony of that...I was encouraging others to partake on occasion, but I was carrying around so much guilt because I did have a testimony that I could not forgive myself nor dare ask for forgiveness.
Now... there was something that happened in my life that I could not control that led me to become very depressed and make choices I would not have before that incident... I soon realized my life had quickly spiraled out of control and then felt "too far gone," I believed I had made my choice and because of being acted upon and then acting for myself afterward that I had to live with that. It was a never ending cycle of a downward spiral...but I was wrong...I was worthy of the same forgiveness as you are.... there is no such thing as "too far gone"...that is Satan's game.

Remember the Lord tells us that "he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I the Lord, remember them no more." (D&C 58:42)

Im thankful for the Atonement

I have been deep in thought today, as I am everyday as I am a over-thinker/over-analyzer of life. And as I ponder what it is I want to blog about tonight I ask myself how it is I am to convey a thought without going into great detail of where that thought originated?
I have to say that my journey back to the church has not been an easy one, and I would never have been able to make it back if I had not been able to remind myself daily that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only thing in my life that has brought me happiness, peace and comfort. I tried so hard for so many years to find happiness in other things, but it never came. Drinking, tobacco products, light drugs on occasion and numbers of bad relationships led to a ever-so-evident decline mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.... to those who cared the most about me.
I have to wonder how our Savior must feel as He watches us struggle through life? I am sure it is so frustrating as He just wants to knock us up-side of the head and make us see what He sees (a gentle knock, or light shove on His behalf). I cannot imagine suffering for my sins alone and then watching me struggle as I did thinking that I was not worthy of His forgiveness... and its not just my sins He suffered for... He suffered for ALL of our sins, the believers and the non-believers. Some of us will never choose to partake of what was already suffered for us...the price was already paid, we just have to ask for His help and forgiveness. That is ALL he asks. And I am telling you that the weight that is lifted off of ones shoulders when that happens is undeniable.
Peace and Love!
KayLeigh

My Rescue Story

Hi, I am 27 and currently residing in St. George, UT. My path thru life has taught me so many great things that I am truly grateful to know...but I have not always felt blessed in my life. 

I will start at the beginning...

I am the youngest child in my family, my parents met when they each had 2 sons of their own and after getting married decided to have one child together...me. My parents were not active in the LDS (Latter Day Saint, AKA : Mormon) church until they saw that the kids in the neighborhood were not allowed to play with me because of thier lifestyle. I remember feeling hesitation with my age group my entire youth.When I was 12 years old I was diagnosed with bone cancer and after surviving after being so close to death on one particular occasion I knew that I was able to live for a special purpose. This experience brought me very close to my savior, jesus christ.I remained strong in the church and my testimony became strong as my life went on. I received my endowment in the LDS temple when I was 19 years old because I knew it was right for me.

Me as an LDS Missionary

Two years later I decided to serve a mission to share my testimony of the gospel, I was called to San Bernardino, California. I loved sharing the gospel with my brothers and sisters there.While on my mission I became sick and after only 9 months of serving I was brought before my mission president who after prayer felt I needed to return home.Upon my return home there was not but a moment until Satan began throwing trial upon trial my way...which led to a slow but steady decline deep within myself that eventually led to my inactivity with the church. Three months after my return from my mission because of my innocence I fould myself in a situation that would change the way I percieved myself. I was first angry that Heavenly Father would feel it necessary  for me to return home from doing His work only to be flooded with the feeling of inadequecy...I felt unworthy  of the future temple marriage to a worthy Priesthood holder I had yearned for my entire life.I began living a life after this incident that showed just how much self-worth I felt I didnt have, which led to a spiritual death that brought me ever so close to a physical death once again...at my own hand.It wasnt until I was working with at-risk teens that I began picturing myself maybe, just maybe, somewhere down the road being a strength to those around me becuase of all the things I had been thru in my life...and once I had this vision of still being worthy of a special purpose I was able to start making the necessary changes that I knew were necessary for me to return to the only place I knew would bring me happiness, and that was living the gospel.Now with some addictions that would challenge me daily I started cutting out the things that I knew were wrong, but still couldnt do the right things such as going to church, reading my scriptures and feeling worthy of prayer.When I found myself making a new start for myself in a new location I decided to have my church records transfered to my new area...I found myself making an effort on occassion to attend my church meetings and after feeling the spirit in church one Sunday decided to meet with my bishop. The bishop had me agree to pray and do the things I knew were right regularly. When I found myself regularly attending my meetings and making good friends at Family home evening group it suddenly wasnt such a challenge to do these things with such effort, it became easy...most importantly I began feeling Heavenly Fathers love for me thru first through my friends which made it easier to start my relationship once again with my Father in Heaven. I began feeling worthy of the atonement of Jesus Christ and felt that self-worth start to come back. Now becuase of the atonement I am worthy and able to return to the temple. I know that Heavenly Father loves us and knows each of us individually. I know that He has a plan for us, a perfect plan, that provides a way for each of us to overcome all we will go thru in our lives here upon the earth so that we may return to His presence. I know He sent His Son to suffer, bleed and die for you...and even me. I know that we are never alone or forgotten no matter how un-worthy we feel of His love. I am so thankful for my ward family and Bishop for showing me so much kindness and love without hesitation or judgements. I know I could not have made the necessary changes that find me living the gospel fully without first feeling the spirit from within my ward...I am truly grateful for them.