Turning Back

No matter how long or how far you've traveled in the wrong direction

Which leads you to believe your distanced too far from Him above.

To be loved and accepted by Him seems unattainable,

Well... I'll tell you its never too late to turn back and feel of His redeeming love.

I've been down paths surrounded by darkness,

My heart and soul felt ice cold.

I thought turning around and seeing His face was wishful thinking,

And hearing that it wasn't seemed a statement too bold.

"They have never been where I have", I thought

"Or felt the devils breath on their skin".

They said He was there waiting with open arms,

And they talked with so much faith and conviction.

I put my faith in them and turned one day

And to my amazement I felt of His presence and love...

I knew each day would be a struggle and it certainly wouldn't be easy,

But I'd put one foot in front of the other with help from Him above.

I know that I will stumble and I may fall,

But the trick is to get right back up and keep looking ahead.

Without hesitation or fear, towards God and His Son I'll go,

Because "Doubt not, fear not", He said.

.

My Heavenly and Earthly Father

Today is Fathers Day and there are many Fathers that I am grateful for, I will talk about 2.

First, I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for my knowledge of Him, and my relationship that I have with Him. I am grateful that no matter how far I distance myself from Him, He will always be waiting for me to turn back towards Him because His love for His children is unconditional. Its so important for us to remember that we are children of God, that we have a royal inheritance... it is ours if we desire it.
I am grateful that my Heavenly Father loved us enough that He sent His only Begotten Son here to earth to atone for each and every one of us. I always think of this talk I heard on my mission where someone quotes Melvin J. Ballard when he talked about how God did not fail us even when His son was on the Cross. Here is a part of this talk...

“I think I can see our dear Father behind the veil looking upon these dying struggles until even He could not endure it any longer; and, like the mother who bids farewell to her dying child and has to be taken out of the room so as not to look upon the last struggles, so He bowed His head and hid in some part of His universe, His great heart almost breaking for the love He had for His Son. Oh, in that moment when He might have saved His Son, I thank and praise Him that He did not fail us, for He had not only the love of His Son in mind, but He also had love for us.”

I just love this, it sings to my spirit. I thank my Heavenly Father for ALL He has done for me, and for all of us!


Second, I am grateful for my earthly Father. I have always looked up to my dad in so many ways. I grew up with 3 older brothers and you would think that my dad would just take his sons on all the things that the "boys" would do, but I remember he would always include me in everything he did. When all the other men would only take their sons camping or fishing, my dad took me anyways. My favorite memories include:

• Getting up at 4 in the morning and going ice fishing with him and his friends from work or his brothers
• Going hunting with him, and when I started hunting myself he always let me take the first shot even if he was hunting as well, and this still stands.
• When I decided that I WAS going to get my Golden Retriever that I always dreamed of having and he said "Nope, we are not having a dog here." I said, "Well, I am going up to Idaho to get her." he then said "Well, I will drive you.". On the way back from picking up Lucy, after he had made it clear the dog would not sleep inside the house, he stopped and we got a carrier so she could sleep inside. Now, Lucy and my dad are as close as close can be...and I love that! I know that may be surprising, as I argue that Lucy is mine NOT his, but I would never take Lucy away from my Dad as I know they are the best of buds.
• The first time I rode a roller coaster I was scared to death, but my dad put his arm across me the whole ride to make sure I didn't fall out as that was my fear.... I will never forget that.
• When I had cancer a nurse came to our home to show my parents how to give the shots to me that I needed the times that I was actually not in the hospital, but at home. My mom didn't give that orange a very good shot, but my dad was awesome! Even when I was in the hospital I would not let the nurses give me these shots...only my dad could give them to me, as he was the best! He came every day when I was in the hospital, and I will always be grateful to him for this, and for the priesthood that he holds.... I know that if it wasn't for the blessings I received during that year and a half of chemo from my dad, that I would not be here. The priesthood is so amazing and powerful and I know that it can heal, and I am so grateful that it has been restored here upon the earth...and I am grateful that my dad is a faithful saint who has the blessings of the priesthood.

Those are just a few, there are many... in short, my dad is my hero. I may not show it, as I am as stubborn as he is... but I love and appreciate him so so much!

The Milestone

I hit a milestone just now, it has been 2 weeks since I have had a drink.

Alcohol is something I have struggled with off and on for a long time. I had my first drink when I was 22 and instantly knew I had a problem becuase I could not stop once I took that first drink. I was a social drinker though, it was not something I did on my own and definatly not something I did every night.

A few years after I got over that first hurdle I started drinking again and in large amounts, but not daily and was able to stop after I had hit rock bottom (Well, little did I know that rock bottom then was not nearly as deep as rock bottom now!).

This last time around I took my first drink in Mesquite with a friend on mine, and of course drank too much. It was a week and a half before I took my second drink and from that night on it was a nightly occurance. And I am not talking a mixed drink or one or two shots... but anywhere from 8-15 shots in one evening.

I stopped calling my parents everyday (I always call them daily) when I started drinking again and I got a text from my mom saying that I must be doing something I wasn't proud of, otherwise I would call... she was right.

The thing is, once I started drinking and I let go of all the things that keep me close God and I left room for someone to come in and take over my life. I remember the day that I realized I was in too deep and I wanted to go home, and thats when I realized that I no longer had the power to make my own choices, someone else was making them for me. In error, my way of coping was to keep on drinking to deal with the anxiety and panic attacks of not being able to go home to my own bed and get myself clear of the alchohol again.

I am so thankful for my friends who stepped in when I texted them telling them I needed help getting out of the situation I was in, if it werent for them I would not be here sharing my story.

Good thing is I know that God loves me, I know the atonement is for me as Christ has already paid the price of my sins and He can also wrap His arms around me and weep with me as I struggle thru all the pain brought by this person who took so much.

What a blessing it is to have this Knowledge of God and His Son!!!

"His arms are open and He WILL respond with warmth and love. He wont say a word to condemn us; we have plenty of those for ourselves. He will only offer His embrace."

"You must reach beyond a sense of the infinity of the Atonement to accept the portion thereof intended for you and you alone. You have the priviledge of His embrace. He is not on the cross. He is not in the tomb. He stands looking upon you asking, "Whom seekest thou?" He whispers YOUR name and waits for you to recognize Him. He wants you to feel His embrace. So yield to His entreaty. Give in to His love and, please, please say to the Savior, "Just Hold me, Tighter."
"Though it may seem that our own displacement from the right way has put us too far out to be reclaimed, it is not so. Not for anyone. If it is lost we feel, then we can listen to the voices calling for our return and move in their direction."

"The loving arms of the Savior are open wide to revieve us-- that when no one else seems to be around, when others do not appear to understand or even pay attention to our need for a hug, He is there. "if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after us...we can still be clasped in the arms of Jesus"."



Its okay to go alone

I came to a realization...

I would much rather go fishing alone then be in the company of someone who will bring me down (And I am not referring to my usual fishing companion as I have so much fun with him, just a general rule :).

This lesson has taken me long enough to learn, and I wish I hadn't had to go thru what I have in the recent past to realize this... but I am gratefulfor this knowledge.                                 



My whole life I have feared being alone, therefor I settle for the company of those I should not. I am not only talking romantically, but friends and mere acquantances as well. I think it comes down to am I confident in myself? Well... obviously not as much as I should be.

Confidence is what I hope to develop this summer. I know it may not be realistic to think that I can be completly confident and self-loving in 2-3 months time, but I plan on having my foundation strong.


(This was a few years ago)

I just have to take it one day at a time. And enjoy the time that I have, even if it means... going fishing alone.  Besides, I don't mind cleaning my own fish and baiting my own hook anyways.

Be not afraid of your enemies/The Lion's Den

Just thought I would share something I was pondering tonight....

D&C 98: 13-16

13. And whoso layeth down his life in my cause, for my name's sake, shall find it again, even life eternal.

14. Therefor, be not afraid of your enemies, for I have decreed in my heart, saith the Lord, that I will prove you in all things, whether you will abide in my covenant, even unto death, that you may be found worthy.

15. For if ye will not abide in my covenant ye are not worthy of me.

16. Therefor, renounce war and proclaim peace, and seek diligently to turn the hearts of the children to their fathers, and the hearts of the fathers to the children.

"Be not afraid of your enemies....I will prove you in all things.... renounce war and proclaim peace."




As I was thinking about these verses I thought about Daniel in the Lions Den. Daniel says that "My God hath sent his angel, and hath shut the lions' mouths, that they have not hurt me" for he was put into the Lions Den to be killed, but the Lord protected him. The Lord protected him just as D&C 98 promises!!! The Lord will prove you in all things if you abide by His covenant, just as Daniel did as he kept praying after the people were told not to pray unto God, this being the reason he was thrown into the Lion's den.

I cannot express the comfort I feel.  I still have a lot of praying to do, but I think I understand what the spirit was trying to tell me as I pondered this.

There, and back again!

I know that it has been a while since I have last posted here on my blog, and a lot has happened since my last post. As this blog is about my Journey and Overcoming obstacles and as I decided to start journaling tonight I thought "Why not just blog"... if it's going to help myself (which putting my feelings down will) and if it could possibly help someone else going thru a hard time...Why not?!?!

The past is the past.... specifics do not matter, what matters is that I am alive, I am well, and I have family and friends who love and support me. What matters is I know where my happiness lies, and I know its not going to be easy to get there... what would be easy is to curle up into the fetal position and feel sorry for myself, but I have done that before when hard times came and I refuse to do it this time around. I have never been thru something as hurtful as I have recently.... but I refuse to give up.

I think its amazing how the spirit guides us in our lives and those around us, even when we are not in the place we should be. Let me tell you something amazing that happened....

I was in a position where I could not help myself, I physically and emotionally could not get out of the situation I was in. The night before I got out I went and got a blessing from a dear friend, the desire was there...I knew I needed to make changes and I knew I needed strength to get out of what I was in, but I also knew it was not in my control at this point. The next morning in a state where I was not thinking clearly I sent my friend who is also my Relief Society President a text (and I do not remember sending it) that said something like "I need help. I cant get myself out of this". Not a half hour later she came for me, and even though she was told that I was fine and that I was asleep she refused to leave without me.

I am so blessed that I in the state I was in texted the right person, someone who was available, and someone who wouldnt back down. Not only did she get me out of the situation, but she stayed with me as I went thru some pretty hard withdrawls.... she even watched Michael Jackson movies for days with me!!! I must point out that she is not the only one who came to my aid, there were many who I barely knew before this that were there with me as I fought this fight, that I am still fighting. And there was not a single expression or word that indicated and judgements from any of these angels.

I came across this picture this week....

I just love this, I know the Lord has wept with me and He understands everything I am going thru in these moments. Its so comforting to know He is there, with His arms around me...He loves me. If He didn't, I would still be in the situation I was in... I know it was thru that blessing I recieved that I somehow sent that text, and then the Lord sent His trusted angels to my aid... I have so much gratitude to my Father in Heaven and His angels!!!




Before any of this happened my testimony was the strongest it had been in a LONG time... I felt so ontop of things, even my addictions. And that is something that I would like to point out. I firmly now beleive that if you have addictions that you CAN get to a point in your life where they don't have a daily control over you... but you cannot play with fire! It doesn't matter who you are, you just can't! I remember not too long before this happened having a conversation with my mom where I was telling her about maybe going to Mesquite with some freinds and she said "Can you handle that?" and I said "Of course! It's not even a temptation"... well, she has recently said that she thinks Satan heard that conversation and had to throw another obstacle in my way....I think she is right.

It is necessary to read your scriptures daily, to pray and talk openly with your Father in Heaven daily, to attend your church meetings and surround yourself with people who will lift you. This doesn't mean that I cannot be freinds with people who do the things I am addicted to....I just cannot put myself into situations where I would be tempted. I have come to accept that this will be the case for the rest of my life. I may get to higher ground...but I have to stay there.

So, how am I going to move forward? Well.... I am going to take my time and find myself. For a long time I have leaned on those around me and I have never been good at saying "NO" and standing up for myself. So, this summer is my time to find out who I want to be, what I want to do, and find what is most important to me. I started a Bucket List this past week and I plan on working on a lot of those things now. I want to learn to cook and play the piano and guitar, alter my own clothing and break out my dusty sewing machine!!! Become a better artist and photographer, a better aunt, daughter, sister and friend.

In short, I want to better myself, learn to love myself the way I should, gain that self-confidence back that has been lacking a long time.

In closing...I want to share the lyrics to "Stand in Holy Places"... kept thinking about this song as I was typing this out.

In a sea shifting values
Tossed on every wave
While the winds wail around me
I will not be afraid
To call out for my captain
To calm the waves in me
When I stand a little taller
Its only then I finally see

Chorus:
I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Tough my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come
And says Well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places

There is a harbor in His holy house
An anchor in His grace
That steadies in the waves of doubt
And in every holy places
No matter where I travel
His spirits guiding me
With the Lord as my captain
There is a peaceful port in me

Chorus:
I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Tough my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come
And says Well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places