I have the power to say "No"

Me and my roommate had a good chat tonight...and I would like to share what  I came to realize as a result of this conversation.

See... I have been struggling recently. I was doing so good for a while, and then everything just came apart again. I think it has something to do with the holidays...being alone, and having way too much time within my own head focusing on my past. But, because there was so much thinking going on...which lead to depression...I lost my ability to follow my own values.

I never had a problem standing up for myself, or saying "No" to someone....that was until one moment about 5-6 years ago that that right to say "No" was taken from me. I felt like I lost control to stand up for myself. And over the years since this incident I have had my good days and my bad days, days where I am strong and confident, and days that I am not strong and confident....which I need to remind myself are happening less and less (Yes! More good then bad days!). I am still learning and growing too, I am not perfect...but this isn't an excuse for behaving irresponsibly, I realize.

My point... I have the power to say "No"...its my right! No one....nothing...can take that right away from me. I choose to be myself, to stand up for myself, I know I am worthy enough, still, of what I want out of life....and I need to make choices that will help me get there.

I am sooo thankful for my friends and family that love me enough to help me through these times of up and downs... I know I don't thank you all enough.

I choose to start changing my life today... will you support and help me along the path I am choosing to take?

Its a Wonderful Life

Tonight, Christmas Eve, my family and I have enjoyed many of our usual traditions. One of these traditions is watching "Its a Wonderful Life". My family has watched this every year...and it wasnt until a few years years ago that I joined in on this tradition...and the year I finally watched it, it seemed the most fitting... and is still fitting today.
Here is the story line to the movie, incase you havent seen it...

As the film opens, it's Christmas Eve, 1946, and George, who has long considered himself a failure, faces financial ruin and arrest and is seriously contemplating suicide. High above Bedford Falls, two celestial voices discuss Bailey's dilemma and decide to send down eternally bumbling angel Clarence Oddbody who after 200 years has yet to earn his wings, to help George out. But first, Clarence is given a crash course on George's life, and the multitude of selfless acts he has performed: rescuing his younger brother from drowning, losing the hearing in his left ear in the process; enduring a beating rather than allow a grieving druggist to deliver poison by mistake to an ailing child; foregoing college and a long-planned trip to Europe to keep the Bailey Building and Loan from letting its Depression-era customers down; and, most important, preventing town despot Potter from taking over Bedford Mills and reducing its inhabitants to penury. Along the way, George has married his childhood sweetheart Mary, who has stuck by him through thick and thin. But even the love of Mary and his children are insufficient when George, faced with an $8000 shortage in his books, becomes a likely candidate for prison thanks to the vengeful Potter. Bitterly, George declares that he wishes that he had never been born, and Clarence, hoping to teach George a lesson, shows him how different life would have been had he in fact never been born. After a nightmarish odyssey through a George Bailey-less Bedford Falls (now a glorified slum called Potterville), wherein none of his friends or family recognize him, George is made to realize how many lives he has touched, and helped, through his existence; and, just as Clarence had planned, George awakens to the fact that, despite all its deprivations, he has truly had a wonderful life.

This year, I am grateful for my family tradition of watching this film about how important our lives are.... it inspires me and helps me to realize that their are lives we touch that sometimes go unnoticed, and each life is important. I know that depression is something I have struggled with for a few years now...to the point of trying to take my own life, like George did in the film... but, I am truly grateful that I am still here living and learning more about who I am and how valuable my life really is. There are so many things I need/want to learn.
I want to thank all of my family and friends who have stuck by me through my MANY ups and downs.... and I know there are more ups and downs ahead, but it would be so much more difficult to face whats ahead without all of you in my life who love and support me.

Now...a few of my favorite quotes from the movie :)

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

"You've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away?"

"Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends."



"

Testimony

We were challenged today in church to bear our testimonies every day till the end of the year. We are taught that we gain or strengthen our testimony by bearing it...so our assignment is to bear it to ourselves daily...out loud...in front of a mirror.

While we were being taught about Testimonies today what came to my mind was when I was in the MTC (Missionary Training Center), every night after the last class all the missionaries would gather outside and bear testimony to each other until it was time to return to our dorms. I will never forget the feeling in that circle of missionaries...hearing everyone sharing what they believe and why they believe it brought the spirit so strong. As a missionary you get the opportunity to bear your testimony all day, everyday...that is your calling really...to bear witness to what you know.

I know that for me it is hard for me to get up and share my testimony on Fast Sunday because of fear...I try to let the spirit lead me to say what I know...but I get so nervous and afraid and by the time I make it back to my seat after sharing my testimony... I think of all the things I left out. 

I think this challenge is great...it is important to remind ourselves often of what we know and believe. It also makes me think of when I was asked to write a letter to Joseph Smith expressing to him my gratitude for restoring the gospel and organizing Christ's church back on earth....that letter I wrote to him is a part of my testimony...and its still in my scriptures where I can review it from time to time.

Also, standing up for what we believe in is also bearing testimony of what we know. I know that I have not been the greatest example to those around me....I do not always stick to what I know and believe. But, tomorrow is a new day and I can start fresh and I will be who I know I am. My past is in the past...I am in the present, and I am challenging myself to stand up for me and what I believe, no matter what. 

I want to share my testimony....

I know that I have a Heavenly Father...who loves me and knows me by name. I know that my Brother, Jesus Christ suffered and died for me and you so that we may one day return to Him and our God, clean from all our sins. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored here upon the earth... fully restored. I know that through the restoration of the gospel I have a Prophet leading me, along with his 12 apostles. I know the Priesthood was also restored, and I know that the Priesthood being here upon the earth today is such a blessing...I know the Power of the Priesthood can heal us and lift us. I know that their is someone listening when I pray...and I know that He cares so much about me, even when I have turned my back on Him, He was patiently waiting for me to ask for Him back. I know the scriptures are true, because I have read them and I have knelt in prayer asking for my witness to their truth, and I received that witness.

Love to you all!!!

Lead Thou Me On

The past few days have been a little tough, but I also now realize they have been an accomplishment.
While resisting the urge to give into my temptations when they were within reach was the accomplishment, the realization that I still struggle caused some doubt within myself. I felt weak, even though I was strong...I judged myself of my past, even though I have and beleive the atonement.
I came home from that evening upset with myself for still having the urge to drink, when I should have been proud for not giving into those urges. I came home feeling judged by someone that was in my company because of my past, when in all reality its not their opinion that matters.
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
I choose to think back on this weekend as an accomplishment. I am human and I have urges, but I didn't give in to them. I believe with time those urges will become less and less, I just need a plan for when those urges come so I do not give in to them. I realize that I need to forgive myself of my past more than I already have...because it was tough recognizing that I still judge myself as much as I do for where I have been... I am heading in the right direction, shouldn't that be my focus? Its not where I have been...its where I am going. I choose to not let other people's perception of me affect me and my progress...not everyone knows where I have been and what I am struggling with, and that is okay...the people I want involved in my life anyways are those that see me for who I am, not who I was. I realize that I have to keep doing the small things everyday to succeed and be happy.... getting down on my knees to talk with my Heavenly Father and reading my scriptures DAILY is necessary.

Lead, kindly Light, amid the 'encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on;

The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead Thou me on.
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou
Shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on.
I loved the garish day, and spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will: Remember not past years.

So long Thy pow'r has blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile.

Grace

'

My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them'  -Ether 12:27

As I was going about my day today my thoughts were turned to Grace. I know that for me I have to remind myself about this amazing gift of grace more often than I would like to admitt. Through my doubts, fears and weakness' I have to remind myself of the grace that Jesus made available to me...if I have faith in Him and the Atonement.

I came across this explanation of Grace from LDS.org...

"Grace. A word that occurs frequently in the New Testament, especially in the writings of Paul. The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.

It is through the grace of the Lord Jesus, made possible by his atoning sacrifice, that mankind will be raised in immortality, every person receiving his body from the grave in a condition of everlasting life. It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts.

Divine grace is needed by every soul in consequence of the fall of Adam and also because of man’s weaknesses and shortcomings. However, grace cannot suffice without total effort on the part of the recipient. Hence the explanation, “It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (2 Ne. 25:23). It is truly the grace of Jesus Christ that makes salvation possible."

I am not expected to be perfect, but through Christ I can overcome all that I am here on this earth to overcome...and only through the grace of my Savior is that possible.

The First Vision

I have been thinking about the story of Joseph Smith and the First Vision. It stood out to me that when Joseph went to offer up his prayer to know which church was right that a mist of darkness came upon him.
Lets review his account...
"After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction."
I think it is so significant that the minute he got down on his knees and made the effort to go to God that Satan was right there to try and persuade him from accomplishing want Satan also knew Joseph could accomplish in that moment....because Satan knows us too. He watched us, studies us, knows our weaknesses...he wants us to fail.
He goes on...
"But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction--not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being--just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me."
This is an example to us that when we feel like we are at the end of our ropes, when despair takes over us that we need to offer up our prayer, only the Savior can save us from sinking into that despair...this goes along with my knew favorite quote of "When life gets to hard to stand...Kneel". The Savior did come and send away the darkness that was surrounding Joseph...all he had to do was ask and THE VERY MOMENT he called upon the Lord the darkness departed.
It goes on to say...
"It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other--"This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!"
This is the best part...They called him by name! Heavenly Father and His Son, our Brother...know us by name as well. How comforting it is to me that they know us personally.


I am so thankful for my testimony and I am thankful that I am able to strengthen that testimony whenever I seek the right things in my life. I know yours will become stronger as well as you strive to surround yourself with positive people and positive things.


Stand in Holy Places.

Will You Be There?

"Will You Be There"

1. 
   

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Will You Be There?

Weary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human

Everyone's Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World's
Got A Role For Me
I'm So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You'll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

(Hold Me)
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
(Softly Then Boldly)
(Carry Me There)

(Lead Me)
(Love Me And Feed Me)
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
(I Will Feel Blessed)

(Carry)
(Carry Me Boldly)
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me There)

(Save Me)
(Heal Me And Bathe Me)
(Softly You Say To Me)
(I Will Be There)

(Lift Me)
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me Boldly)
(Show Me You Care)

(Hold Me)
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
(Softly Then Boldly)
(Carry Me There)

(Need Me)
(Love Me And Feed Me)
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
(I Will Feel Blessed)

[Spoken]
In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.

Be Still My Soul

I just wanted to say tonight how grateful I am for music! Tonight instead of coming home and turning on the TV we started playing a Tabernacle Choir CD I have, and the feeling in my home was amazing. The house got quite (even the 3 year old) when Be Still My Soul played...lets review the words to this song...

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

This song makes me think of when Christ calmed the sea and said "Peace, Be Still"...I googled (thank goodness for google) this story and it says it so perfectly that I am just going to copy and past this...

"Jesus told his disciples to cross the Sea of Galilee. They had his Word that they would reach the other side. But then Satan came immediately to steal the Word, by attacking the ship with a storm. Some of the disciples were experienced fishermen who had spent a lifetime on the Sea of Galilee and should not have been so easily frightened. But this was no ordinary storm. There was something evil in both its timing and in its ferocity.

Instead of trusting in the Word, the disciples cried out to Jesus who was asleep, “Don’t you care?”

Jesus woke up and spoke to the wind and waves, “Peace, be still.” And then there was a  great calm. 

There will always be storms in life, both literal and figurative ones. How you react to them will determine if you are victorious. The disciples could have professed confidence in the Word of Jesus and provided an awesome testimony to the power of their faith. Instead, the stilling the storm miracle is a cautionary tale on how fear might sink the plans that God has for you.

You have the Word of God and the Holy Spirit inside you. Don’t ever doubt God’s love for you. Real faith is trusting in the love God has for you. If you doubt God’s love, how can you believe any of His promises? The ultimate lesson to learn from the story of Jesus calming the storm is that all things are possible if you believe. But fear will prevent you from receiving the miracle you need. Study the Word and the calming the storm miracle. God loves you. He will never let you fail if you trust Him."

http://kingskidstuff.com/miracles-of-jesus/calming-the-storm/

I have always loved this story...and I remember when I was a missionary and we would show the DVD "Finding Faith in Christ"...the part where he performs this act was always my favorite.

I know that Christ can calm the sea....IF WE ASK HIM. But the more amazing thing to think about...is in this story...He promised they would cross the sea...He did not promise there would be no storms along the way! Also, Sometimes the storm is what carries us to the other side... Today, I am thankful for the storms in my life that have got me to where I am today.