Will He Welcome Me Back In?

I watched a great movie tonight called "Stuck in Love" that got me into deep thought about something completely different. Here is what the movie was about so you can understand where the thoughts came from....

Its about a man who has been divorced from his ex-wife for 3 years...and he keeps waiting for her return. He has 2 children, 1 of which is experiencing love for the first time, and the other is avoiding love at all costs because what her mother did to her father.
The daughter explains that one night she was on the roof of the house while in High School. The family was having a party that night. She watched her mom go into the backyard with a man and started to kiss him and that man she was kissing said "What if you husband see's?" and she said "I don't care".... the daughter hates her mother for this and hates that her father waits for his ex-wife's return.
One day the Father is trying to get the daughter to forgive her mother and tells her that he cheated on his wife long before she cheated on him. When she was just a baby he cheated and was gone for 6 month...and his wife waited for him. The wife told the husband at the time "I hope you will wait for me if I ever make the same mistake". The Father explains to daughter that he is waiting, and he will keep waiting...He says that "She waited for me...and your mother is a far better person than I'll ever be.".
Then one day, the mother returns. When the Father comes to the front door and sees her, she says "I got a little lost. I was just... I was wondering if there's still a place for me here? I completely understand if there isn't, I know that I really don't deserve it." He says "Its okay"....and he invites her back in.

When this last scene happened...I cried.

I know this is random. But I imagined after seeing this.... is that is how I will feel when I face God? Will I say to him "I got a little lost. I was just... I was wondering if there's still a place for me here? I completely understand if there isn't, I know that I really don't deserve it."??? Will He respond with "Come in"???

I sure hope He does. I know that I am a sinner, I have made so many mistakes, and I know I will keep making them. But, in the end... will my Father in Heaven know what my hearts desire was??? Will He forgive me?

I guess I need to build my testimony some...and start to do the things I know are right.

My patriarchal blessings says that I will return home to my Father in Heaven when I choose.... and that He will say to me "Well done my good and faithful servant...enter into my rest". I pray that when that time comes I will have done my part. I wont be perfect when I meet Him...I will have made plenty of mistakes... something I didn't believe until not long ago....I truly thought I had to be close to perfect. Hell, I was raised in Utah...I think all of us "Utah Mormons" feel the need to be perfect.

I have pondered that statement in my blessing that I can go home when I CHOOSE. To be honest...at one time in my life when I felt I was done (emotionally) I pleaded with my Father to take me home....but, He did not. I guess He will know when I truly mean it.

This picture always stirs a peace deep within me, I could look at it all day. Maybe I should?

Was I Special?

I just want to note that starting a week ago I am battling THE worst depression I have had in years. Everything makes me cry, which causes me to have panic attacks cause I try to hold back the tears cause I feel silly for being so emotional.
Maybe I just need to let it out and have another good cry like I did in the middle of the night a few days ago after a unpleasant dream.
I was talking to the Doctor today about my dreams. How almost a few times in the night I wake up crying or screaming in fear. My brother tells me that I say some pretty awful things when I am asleep in the mornings.
I asked if this could be a side effect of some medication and the Doctor states that yes, it could be. But he said, "Maybe all the things you have been thru in life which were unpleasant come out in your dreams"...he might be right.
When I was a victim of crime in St G and the state of Utah got involved they offered to pay for counseling for 5 years! How great is that? I didn't know our state did such  great thing for women suffering from abuse.
Recently a friend of mines friend was going thru a situation on the same level of my St G experience and I was so glad to have the knowledge of how to get help from the state for this person. It made me feel like I had a purpose, a knowledge to help someone else out.

I would like to share something I was thinking about earlier. I was reading thru old blog posts I wrote on here and was really taken back by my talk in church about the Lodge Pole Pine Seed.

I remember when I wrote that talk for church I was so confident. I thought I had a handle on my addictions. I had just got my recommend back and felt that I could handle anything put in my way.
Do you know how long after I gave that talk in church it was till I drank? I would say a week and a half! I had been struggling previous to that talk with substance addiction and my bishop asked me to talk about addiction as many people in the ward were suffering with similar issues. He wanted me to be very blunt... call people out. I wonder if he was inspired to have me give that talk not for others in the ward as he said...but for me. I mean, a week or so afterward I drank.

How can sin be so easy? After looking back at situations like that I have had in my life I can see how easy it would be for one to commit crimes much worse that substance abuse.... IT IS SO EASY! Am I a bad person...a rotten egg??? Do I not feel? Why was it so easy for me to take that first drink again after just giving a talk on overcoming addiction?
I suppose that now I know that you can never be safe from your addictions. No matter how far it is in the past or how much you think it is not a temptation anymore....it is. But yet again...I know that thru the Atonement we can not only overcome the sin....but the desire to sin. How??? I thought I was that person at that time...I thought I had overcome the desire. Maybe I did...but maybe I should not have put myself in the situation I did, but I honestly felt I had overcome that issue.

I remember on my mission we sisters taught Gospel Principles every week in church. A Sister in the ward asked how many times God would forgive her for the same sin. A Brother in the ward stood up and said something like "7 times"...and he referenced a scripture.
I think God must understand each and every one of us. I don't think there is a limit to how many times God will forgive us for a particular sin... He knows us..and He knows our hearts intent.

There was a time that I wanted to be dis-fellowshipped from the church, because I felt that if I could just start over...I wouldn't keep falling time after time. My Bishop at the time said No, that I needed to learn to forgive myself. He thought that I knew God had forgiven me...but I could not forgive myself.

This is very true I now see looking back. My issue is not that I don't understand the Atonement and how it can heal....I can't forgive myself.

Why???

When I was diagnosed with cancer and had survived...I felt that I was special, there was a special mission for me. I felt the pressure to be an example to my family, ward and friends. I thought that because I had been allowed to stay on earth that I needed to be perfect. A Perfect Example to ALL around me. I felt there was something that only I could do.
After the incident after my mission I spoke about in my last blog post I felt that I had let everyone down.. God, my family, my ward.
I felt even worse after I tried to take my own life a year or so later. There I was at 12 years old fighting to live...and what did I do later in life? Try to take that life away. I felt I had slapped God across the face. That I appeared to be so ungrateful. I felt that my purpose was lost. I screwed everything up that God set up for me...because I was once special.

I will get back into this another time. It is time for bed for this one!
Night all.
Please send me light and love...tomorrow is going to be a tough day for me.

The Wolf

Its been too long since I last posted... but I would like to start blogging again to help me thru this rough patch I am going thru.

Recently I posted a picture on Facebook....this was the photo:

After posting this photo my mom had a dream. I will tell you what I heard her explain, although her dream may have been very different then how I heard.

My Mother says she had a dream that I was hanging out with people that no one could see except me and her. She knew these people did not have my best interest in mind. One day she got me away from these people and as we were walking somewhere those people, only her and I could see, yelled my name asking me to come over to them. I started walking towards these people and I got hit my a bus.
My Mom states she woke up from this dream very upset and wanted to call me, but it was 3am. She thinks she had this dream because of the picture above that I had posted on facebook stating,

"I have come across a wolf like this a few times in my life ... always right after I get my temple recommend back. And they cause me to feel unworthy of my desires...and I fall. This time around... I will be ready for my encounter with the wolf once I get back to where I want to be."

I also have been having dreams since I posted this picture about the people around me influencing me to do wrong among other things. My Mom is fearful for me, and so am I...as I know that the road I have decided to move forward on, destination=gospel is not an easy one as the wolf is waiting for me.

Looking back,

When I got back from my mission I was on top of the world! I was a little down since I was not able to finish my full mission due to some health problems at the time, but I was okay...I understood the gospel.

Not long after I returned I was a victim of Date Rape (1st Fall). Instead of turning back to God to help me thru that time...I turned to things I thought a person like me should do. I started drinking and picking the wrong people to hang out with, I felt unworthy of the dream I had my entire life of getting married in the temple and raising children in the gospel. I thought that no man in the gospel would look past the horrible thing that had happened to me and the choices I made following.

I eventually was able to pull myself out of that life and I went back to church and was working towards getting my recommend back. I started a serious relationship with a man in my Singles Ward that I knew from school growing up. I told him on our first date of what had happened to me when I got  home from my mission and he was understanding.

The relationship got to a point of where we were considering getting married...instead of getting down on his knees he came to me and said that he didn't want a woman who had sex. I was furious, I was a victim, it wasn't a choice I made. So...I fell once again (2nd Fall).

After another round of living the lifestyle I felt someone like me should live (drinking, drugs and tattoos) (hating it the whole way since I believed in the gospel) I got engaged to a man who had a daughter I was in love with..and I was able realized that I could not go thru with the marriage. He was very manipulative and mentally abusive, he blamed the death of his late wife on me. I suddenly  realized I deserved better.

I got out, I left. But I was even more crushed then I was before. I lost that little girl and I felt so much guilt for leaving her with a man like her father...I felt I should have just married him so I could have protected that little girl the rest of my life. I still to this day think about her everyday.

After this break up I decided to move back in with my parents who then had moved to Central Utah. I got a job with troubled teens and felt that I was able to help these kids because of the things I had been thru, maybe God put me through all of that so I could help others. I still wasn't going to church at this time, but I was once again feeling purpose and was looking forward to getting back to church. But, I had an accident at work which left me in my parents basement on Workmans Comp for almost 2 years (3rd fall). I had no social life, I was miserable...and I decided one night that I was going to end my life (I think I made this choice looking back at it now, because I was on a lot of pain meds from my accident...so being drugged and depressed and isolated in my parents basement led me to attempt suicide.).

I lived.

I had my parents take me to the hospital, so I could take control of my life yet again, and I checked myself in.  I was able to talk thru all that had happened in my life and got the desire back to live.
When I checked out I knew that I needed to get out of Wayne County and my parents basement. I moved to St. George to start over.

When I got to St George, I went back to church. And I was once again on top of the world! I had a nice place to live, and nice car, a great job where I was moving up quickly and best of all...I had my temple recommend back.

I started hanging out with a new member of the church, feeling that I could help him thru the things he was putting in the past since I had been to some of the dark places he had been in as well.

I will never forget the day that me and this kid drank together. I was so upset with myself for being a bad example, and the feeling I had in the past of feeling unworthy of the gospel came back, taking over my spirit.

Things happened with this kid that you would see in a lifetime movie (4th fall)... I was once again a victim. And the state of Utah (Utah department of Crime Victims) even got involved when I went to the Dr. for a migraine who had noticed the bruises on my body. He said that I needed to go to the ER and tell them everything that happened or he would call the cops himself. So, I went to the ER and reported everything that had taken place over the previous 2 months.

I lost my job from being drugged as couldn't work as I was going thru withdrawals, he totaled my car and I was unsafe to stay in my home. This kid had threatened to kill me, I was no longer safe and I looked over my shoulder for the longest time, in fact... I still do.

I moved back in with my parents so I could get thru the emotions and detox.

After getting somewhat back on my feet I moved back up to Northern Utah where I had grew up.

And now this is the present moment.

Now that I have a safe place to lay my head at night, and a job I enjoy, and a car to get me around I am feeling the desire yet again to go back to church.  But, as I have been looking thru my past for a couple of weeks, I know that when I attempt to straighten out my life and live the gospel Satan will be there waiting for me to take a few steps forward so he can push me back to where he wants me to be.  I feel I now know that the wolf is dressed in a lambs clothing...he disguise's himself so you wont detect him till it is too late. I was/am fearful of taking the steps I need to take cause I know he is just around the corner.

I have the desire, I know what it true, I know where my happiness is and I know how to get there. I know the Gospel is true, I know the Atonement is for all.  Ever since I battled cancer at age 12 I have had a testimony...even thru my low points in life I believed in it. I would even take every opportunity to spread the gospel when I wasn't living it myself. Why do I feel like the Atonement is for everyone, except myself? I know what the Atonement is, and I know it can heal ALL.

I had been doing well until a week ago. In fact I even talked to an old neighbor and arranged to go to church with them with the start of this new year...but Sunday comes around and I cannot go. Its funny that I made the decision, and had not acted yet, and there Satan was/is throwing depression at me.

I have been so completely depressed that past week that I cannot sleep, I am throwing up, I am having panic attacks left and right, and I cry for no reason at all. Just a few nights ago I woke up from a bad dream and I sobbed like a little girl for over an hour.  I was so distraught that my brother had to come and comfort me in the middle of the night as he heard me crying from across the house.

I need to pull myself up, I need to kick this depression out, and I need to push past the wolf in front of me so I can move towards my happiness in the gospel.  The only thing that is keeping me from giving in is knowing that their are others out there battling depression and trials...maybe, just maybe, I can pick myself up and inspire them.

Maybe God has allowed me to face these trials so that I can inspire those around me. I can choose to be a victim, or better yet...I can choose to be an inspiration. Maybe I went thru these things, not for myself, but for others.

Truth is, I have had many trials in life, and I think the way I was raised has caused me to feel unworthy of the Gospel because of crimes I endured. I perceived the teachings of these blessings God offers is only to come to those who are sin free...I was made unclean by being a victim of rape and by the choices I made afterwards.
Understanding the Gospel now, in this moment... I know that the Gospel and Atonement is for me, the sinner... the victim. I choose to get myself emerged in the teachings of God so that one day I can teach my own children... I will teach them the Gospel, and we will all go to church, but I will be sure that my children know that there is no such thing as perfection...we will go thru things in life that leave us feeling unclean...but taking the sacrament washes those things away. If you become a victim to things like I have or other crimes...it does not mean that you are unworthy of the blessings of the Gospel... the Gospel is not for the perfect.

 

 

I will be okay, I will get thru this. All is Well!!! I am not perfect, no one is. I will walk again...I will have scars...but I will tell the story of those scars in the right moments of time given to me. I may fall again, and that is okay... I know my heart desire. I will allow people to be a part of my life...I will not push them away. I will recognize the wolf, and I will be aware of my surroundings.