Maybe I just need to let it out and have another good cry like I did in the middle of the night a few days ago after a unpleasant dream.
I was talking to the Doctor today about my dreams. How almost a few times in the night I wake up crying or screaming in fear. My brother tells me that I say some pretty awful things when I am asleep in the mornings.
I asked if this could be a side effect of some medication and the Doctor states that yes, it could be. But he said, "Maybe all the things you have been thru in life which were unpleasant come out in your dreams"...he might be right.
When I was a victim of crime in St G and the state of Utah got involved they offered to pay for counseling for 5 years! How great is that? I didn't know our state did such great thing for women suffering from abuse.
Recently a friend of mines friend was going thru a situation on the same level of my St G experience and I was so glad to have the knowledge of how to get help from the state for this person. It made me feel like I had a purpose, a knowledge to help someone else out.
I would like to share something I was thinking about earlier. I was reading thru old blog posts I wrote on here and was really taken back by my talk in church about the Lodge Pole Pine Seed.
I remember when I wrote that talk for church I was so confident. I thought I had a handle on my addictions. I had just got my recommend back and felt that I could handle anything put in my way.
Do you know how long after I gave that talk in church it was till I drank? I would say a week and a half! I had been struggling previous to that talk with substance addiction and my bishop asked me to talk about addiction as many people in the ward were suffering with similar issues. He wanted me to be very blunt... call people out. I wonder if he was inspired to have me give that talk not for others in the ward as he said...but for me. I mean, a week or so afterward I drank.
How can sin be so easy? After looking back at situations like that I have had in my life I can see how easy it would be for one to commit crimes much worse that substance abuse.... IT IS SO EASY! Am I a bad person...a rotten egg??? Do I not feel? Why was it so easy for me to take that first drink again after just giving a talk on overcoming addiction?
I suppose that now I know that you can never be safe from your addictions. No matter how far it is in the past or how much you think it is not a temptation anymore....it is. But yet again...I know that thru the Atonement we can not only overcome the sin....but the desire to sin. How??? I thought I was that person at that time...I thought I had overcome the desire. Maybe I did...but maybe I should not have put myself in the situation I did, but I honestly felt I had overcome that issue.
I remember on my mission we sisters taught Gospel Principles every week in church. A Sister in the ward asked how many times God would forgive her for the same sin. A Brother in the ward stood up and said something like "7 times"...and he referenced a scripture.
I think God must understand each and every one of us. I don't think there is a limit to how many times God will forgive us for a particular sin... He knows us..and He knows our hearts intent.
There was a time that I wanted to be dis-fellowshipped from the church, because I felt that if I could just start over...I wouldn't keep falling time after time. My Bishop at the time said No, that I needed to learn to forgive myself. He thought that I knew God had forgiven me...but I could not forgive myself. This is very true I now see looking back. My issue is not that I don't understand the Atonement and how it can heal....I can't forgive myself.
Why???
When I was diagnosed with cancer and had survived...I felt that I was special, there was a special mission for me. I felt the pressure to be an example to my family, ward and friends. I thought that because I had been allowed to stay on earth that I needed to be perfect. A Perfect Example to ALL around me. I felt there was something that only I could do.
After the incident after my mission I spoke about in my last blog post I felt that I had let everyone down.. God, my family, my ward.
I felt even worse after I tried to take my own life a year or so later. There I was at 12 years old fighting to live...and what did I do later in life? Try to take that life away. I felt I had slapped God across the face. That I appeared to be so ungrateful. I felt that my purpose was lost. I screwed everything up that God set up for me...because I was once special.
I will get back into this another time. It is time for bed for this one!
Night all.
Please send me light and love...tomorrow is going to be a tough day for me.
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