The Wolf

Its been too long since I last posted... but I would like to start blogging again to help me thru this rough patch I am going thru.

Recently I posted a picture on Facebook....this was the photo:

After posting this photo my mom had a dream. I will tell you what I heard her explain, although her dream may have been very different then how I heard.

My Mother says she had a dream that I was hanging out with people that no one could see except me and her. She knew these people did not have my best interest in mind. One day she got me away from these people and as we were walking somewhere those people, only her and I could see, yelled my name asking me to come over to them. I started walking towards these people and I got hit my a bus.
My Mom states she woke up from this dream very upset and wanted to call me, but it was 3am. She thinks she had this dream because of the picture above that I had posted on facebook stating,

"I have come across a wolf like this a few times in my life ... always right after I get my temple recommend back. And they cause me to feel unworthy of my desires...and I fall. This time around... I will be ready for my encounter with the wolf once I get back to where I want to be."

I also have been having dreams since I posted this picture about the people around me influencing me to do wrong among other things. My Mom is fearful for me, and so am I...as I know that the road I have decided to move forward on, destination=gospel is not an easy one as the wolf is waiting for me.

Looking back,

When I got back from my mission I was on top of the world! I was a little down since I was not able to finish my full mission due to some health problems at the time, but I was okay...I understood the gospel.

Not long after I returned I was a victim of Date Rape (1st Fall). Instead of turning back to God to help me thru that time...I turned to things I thought a person like me should do. I started drinking and picking the wrong people to hang out with, I felt unworthy of the dream I had my entire life of getting married in the temple and raising children in the gospel. I thought that no man in the gospel would look past the horrible thing that had happened to me and the choices I made following.

I eventually was able to pull myself out of that life and I went back to church and was working towards getting my recommend back. I started a serious relationship with a man in my Singles Ward that I knew from school growing up. I told him on our first date of what had happened to me when I got  home from my mission and he was understanding.

The relationship got to a point of where we were considering getting married...instead of getting down on his knees he came to me and said that he didn't want a woman who had sex. I was furious, I was a victim, it wasn't a choice I made. So...I fell once again (2nd Fall).

After another round of living the lifestyle I felt someone like me should live (drinking, drugs and tattoos) (hating it the whole way since I believed in the gospel) I got engaged to a man who had a daughter I was in love with..and I was able realized that I could not go thru with the marriage. He was very manipulative and mentally abusive, he blamed the death of his late wife on me. I suddenly  realized I deserved better.

I got out, I left. But I was even more crushed then I was before. I lost that little girl and I felt so much guilt for leaving her with a man like her father...I felt I should have just married him so I could have protected that little girl the rest of my life. I still to this day think about her everyday.

After this break up I decided to move back in with my parents who then had moved to Central Utah. I got a job with troubled teens and felt that I was able to help these kids because of the things I had been thru, maybe God put me through all of that so I could help others. I still wasn't going to church at this time, but I was once again feeling purpose and was looking forward to getting back to church. But, I had an accident at work which left me in my parents basement on Workmans Comp for almost 2 years (3rd fall). I had no social life, I was miserable...and I decided one night that I was going to end my life (I think I made this choice looking back at it now, because I was on a lot of pain meds from my accident...so being drugged and depressed and isolated in my parents basement led me to attempt suicide.).

I lived.

I had my parents take me to the hospital, so I could take control of my life yet again, and I checked myself in.  I was able to talk thru all that had happened in my life and got the desire back to live.
When I checked out I knew that I needed to get out of Wayne County and my parents basement. I moved to St. George to start over.

When I got to St George, I went back to church. And I was once again on top of the world! I had a nice place to live, and nice car, a great job where I was moving up quickly and best of all...I had my temple recommend back.

I started hanging out with a new member of the church, feeling that I could help him thru the things he was putting in the past since I had been to some of the dark places he had been in as well.

I will never forget the day that me and this kid drank together. I was so upset with myself for being a bad example, and the feeling I had in the past of feeling unworthy of the gospel came back, taking over my spirit.

Things happened with this kid that you would see in a lifetime movie (4th fall)... I was once again a victim. And the state of Utah (Utah department of Crime Victims) even got involved when I went to the Dr. for a migraine who had noticed the bruises on my body. He said that I needed to go to the ER and tell them everything that happened or he would call the cops himself. So, I went to the ER and reported everything that had taken place over the previous 2 months.

I lost my job from being drugged as couldn't work as I was going thru withdrawals, he totaled my car and I was unsafe to stay in my home. This kid had threatened to kill me, I was no longer safe and I looked over my shoulder for the longest time, in fact... I still do.

I moved back in with my parents so I could get thru the emotions and detox.

After getting somewhat back on my feet I moved back up to Northern Utah where I had grew up.

And now this is the present moment.

Now that I have a safe place to lay my head at night, and a job I enjoy, and a car to get me around I am feeling the desire yet again to go back to church.  But, as I have been looking thru my past for a couple of weeks, I know that when I attempt to straighten out my life and live the gospel Satan will be there waiting for me to take a few steps forward so he can push me back to where he wants me to be.  I feel I now know that the wolf is dressed in a lambs clothing...he disguise's himself so you wont detect him till it is too late. I was/am fearful of taking the steps I need to take cause I know he is just around the corner.

I have the desire, I know what it true, I know where my happiness is and I know how to get there. I know the Gospel is true, I know the Atonement is for all.  Ever since I battled cancer at age 12 I have had a testimony...even thru my low points in life I believed in it. I would even take every opportunity to spread the gospel when I wasn't living it myself. Why do I feel like the Atonement is for everyone, except myself? I know what the Atonement is, and I know it can heal ALL.

I had been doing well until a week ago. In fact I even talked to an old neighbor and arranged to go to church with them with the start of this new year...but Sunday comes around and I cannot go. Its funny that I made the decision, and had not acted yet, and there Satan was/is throwing depression at me.

I have been so completely depressed that past week that I cannot sleep, I am throwing up, I am having panic attacks left and right, and I cry for no reason at all. Just a few nights ago I woke up from a bad dream and I sobbed like a little girl for over an hour.  I was so distraught that my brother had to come and comfort me in the middle of the night as he heard me crying from across the house.

I need to pull myself up, I need to kick this depression out, and I need to push past the wolf in front of me so I can move towards my happiness in the gospel.  The only thing that is keeping me from giving in is knowing that their are others out there battling depression and trials...maybe, just maybe, I can pick myself up and inspire them.

Maybe God has allowed me to face these trials so that I can inspire those around me. I can choose to be a victim, or better yet...I can choose to be an inspiration. Maybe I went thru these things, not for myself, but for others.

Truth is, I have had many trials in life, and I think the way I was raised has caused me to feel unworthy of the Gospel because of crimes I endured. I perceived the teachings of these blessings God offers is only to come to those who are sin free...I was made unclean by being a victim of rape and by the choices I made afterwards.
Understanding the Gospel now, in this moment... I know that the Gospel and Atonement is for me, the sinner... the victim. I choose to get myself emerged in the teachings of God so that one day I can teach my own children... I will teach them the Gospel, and we will all go to church, but I will be sure that my children know that there is no such thing as perfection...we will go thru things in life that leave us feeling unclean...but taking the sacrament washes those things away. If you become a victim to things like I have or other crimes...it does not mean that you are unworthy of the blessings of the Gospel... the Gospel is not for the perfect.

 

 

I will be okay, I will get thru this. All is Well!!! I am not perfect, no one is. I will walk again...I will have scars...but I will tell the story of those scars in the right moments of time given to me. I may fall again, and that is okay... I know my heart desire. I will allow people to be a part of my life...I will not push them away. I will recognize the wolf, and I will be aware of my surroundings.