A Survivor Speaks Out..STOP Violence Against Women!

I still have yet made a trip to church.
I desire to go, yet I do not.

I think a lot of the turmoil in my heart is that I know what I need to do, yet I do not do it. I have stopped most of my bad habits.... but it is not enough.

In my lifetime I have been thru many, many things. And, I feel the need to vent a little...and this is more for me than for any of you.

 I had cancer at a young age which most of you know. I fought for my life, and a time came during that trial where to Lord offered to welcome  me home.  I turned it down, I wondered "How can my mother loose another child?". I wanted to stay....and I did.

Later in life I served a mission, it was not in my plans, but 21 was coming up quick and I took a leap of faith and submitted my papers. At the time I was dating many great men and I honestly think that if I had stayed home...I would have married.

I left to Cali, I returned home after getting a bug that no antibiotic could kill. After they removed my tonsils (where the "yuck" lived), I felt fine.



A few months later I was victim to date rape. My world came crumbling down around me. Instead of turning to the Lord I got angry... I would still have been on my mission if I had not gotten sick. Why would He request that I come home early for something so ugly to happen? I was doing HIS work.

I turned my back on my beliefs...I thought "How would anyone ever want a temple marriage with me?"

A year later I was back in church...started dating the Elders Quorum President....he made my worst fear come to life. He rejected me after months and months of dating because I was not a virgin and because of the bad choices I made the months following.

I fell again.

I have told maybe three people about the following thing, but maybe I need to get it out?! I have not shared because who could have something like this happen again in their life? Is there something wrong with me? Also I didn't want to share because I didn't want my family to blame themselves. If they read this.... please know that their is nothing anyone could have done. It was my fault that I was drinking the way I was...alone. It was my choice to do that. The reason I am sharing now, is that I want to be vocal about my life from here on out. I would one day like to speak out against violence and Rape!!! I want to document how I became a Survivor!!!! So, be prepared to keep hearing my stores over the next few months.

A year or two later I went to Vegas with my family....my brother was getting married there. I spent the ENTIRE trip drinking. I remember coming upon 3 stairs in the casino that I did not see and face-planted it there...in the middle of the day.

One night about 3 in the morning a young man came over and starting talking to me...I was alone. He printed my winnings and put the slip in his pocket and said "Lets walk". We started walking and once I realized he was talking me out side I got scared...I knew what he was up to.  I tried to turn and walk the other way...but he had a grip on me. I cried when he left me there.

I stammered up to my room and to make myself look "cool" I guess...I told my brothers that I had made-out with a guy....little did they know.

I remember driving home from that trip, still hung-over...sad. When I was driving thru the gorge I puked ALL OVER my steering wheel and dash board...there was no where to pull over.

I promised myself I would never drink like that again. But, I did once more.

I got my temple recommend back after some hard work when I moved to St. George a few years ago. And I was once again on the top. I didn't feel judged for my past, the members were great.

There was a new convert in the ward and I befriended him. I made the mistake of drinking with him. It was only going to be a one night thing I told myself.  But this kid grabbed hold of me the way that mad did in the casino. I was not allowed to go home, I couldn't drive myself anywhere. He made me sleep on the floor of his room. He threatened me and told me what would happen if I left as after months of sleeping on his bedroom floor and listening to his friends stories (They were drug dealers and supposedly had killed people) he threatened me if I were ever to tell anyone...they would kill me. I would try and leave sometimes...but he would hit me and tell me to lie back down. I asked him once, crying..."Why wont you let me go home?"...he said "Because I cant play this video game with out you...the game scares me....and you know too much" (it was some stupid vampire killing game).

It got to the point that I was covered in bruises and when I was dropped off and picked up from work in my OWN car from this kid (he wouldn't let me drive) people would laugh about the bruises saying "Kayleigh...is someone hitting you? Cause I will hurt them if they are!" And I would just smile...why couldn't I say anything?

One night I prayed like no other...that someone would come and get me....I had been drinking like crazy as it was the only way for me to cope with the constant anxiety and panic attacks. The next morning my relief society president showed up at this kids door and said "I know KayLeigh is here...and I am not leaving with out her." He argued with her a little, telling her I was fine. But she was insistent. She SAVED my life.

This kid had also been drugging me I found out a few weeks into this mess as a friend of his came over and said "I was surprised you made it too work today, we gave you like 5 Seroquel in your drink last night".

I had major withdraws for a few weeks and therefor lost my job. I went to the doctor for a migraine who had me promise I would go to the ER and tell them everything that had happened as he saw the bruises on me.

I confessed....the police asked me to keep texting this kid to get more info out of him. The state of Utah got involved and paid my hospital and relocations fees...and offered to pay for counseling for 5 years.

I new I would never feel safe in St George again...so I left. I spent a few months getting my feet on the ground at my parents home and moved back up North.

Here I am, working full time...and working thru all the emotions of things I have endured in my life. My Doctor told me last week that I need counseling....It may not be a bad idea as my panic attacks have got ALOT worse the past few weeks and I am swearing and cussing in my sleep and having HORRIBLE dreams.

Any suggestions on a counselor in the Davis/Weber County/SLC/West Valley area?

Maybe if I just talk some of this out I will be able to show up at church like I desire...and feel NOT SOOO unworthy of it.

I encourage ALL Women to speak out. It is not your fault if you have been raped or have been a victim of crime. Us women need to unite! We need to have a place where we can talk about our emotions! I have kept all this in for too long! And it is eating away at my soul! I will help you, please help me too!!!! Lets raise our voices!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hear us ROAR!!!!