How my body and mind work

You want a day in my mind?
Well... here goes.

I stay asleep as long as I can so I don't have to deal with the pain in my body and the thoughts in my mind (I wake up many times but force myself back to sleep).... although most of the time terror finds me even in my sleep. My dreams are terrible and sometimes I wake up and start thinking after I calm down that "That would make an excellent scary movie". And if I wake up scared from a dream I carry that fear with me.
When I cant sleep any longer all I want to do is lie in bed....I don't want to get up and leave the house...I would rather stay home and be more comfortable there than I would if I'd be going out into public.
It really has nothing to do with being lazy... I just don't want to face the day.

My brother whom I live with and also my parents whom I stay with often cant understand this part of my life...they give me the hardest time about not being up and eating in the morning like "Normal People" and they think if I would just get up and face the day I would feel so much better. I know there is some truth there...I cant live my life in bed and I would probably feel better in ways if I got up and ate like a normal person... but why wake up and get up when there is nothing to do???
At the same time, I have horrible insomnia that keeps me up all night and I get so scared about car doors closing and noises I hear outside that I have to wake up my brother to check things out. When I finally fall asleep I sometimes wake up my brother again as I am screaming bloody murder in my sleep from my night terrors... sometimes I even wake up from night terrors and truly believe that its really happening so I call on the phone or scream for my brother to turn on the lights. For instance one time I thought a BIG black bird was in my bed, under the covers flapping its wings and when my brother answered his phone and heard me screaming for him, he came to my room and turned on the lights and I realized I was seeing things.

Now I will tell you about some of the things that happen while I am up and at it.
*There is a cat that sits in the neighbors yard facing our house on a post he can barely fit on.... I think he is watching me and it freaks me out.
*I found a camcorder my brother had sitting out yesterday I had never before seen and I asked him if he has been recording me...he said no, but part of me thinks that he is invading my privacy
*In my car I am fine because I can lock the doors and roll up my windows....and could punch the gas if someone walks up to me... but out of the car I need to be able to see where everyone is that's around me and  if there are more people than I can account for I freak out.
*I want to go to church, but I know there will be a lot of people there....and just because your Mormon means nothing to me anymore...not even the bishop... anyone is capable of hurting.
*My short term memory is shot and I get yelled at a lot for not remembering things that were just said supposedly. I hear "I told you the last three days about this!!!!" and it scares me when people yell...definitely a trigger for my PTSD flashbacks.
*Even though as it would seem impossible because I am overweight.... I hardly eat. There is no hunger and I forget about it until right before I fall asleep.
*I cant focus enough to understand something for me in the mail... my brother has to read it and tell me.
*I cant keep track of my bills so my dad does all my accounting for me, which is hard because all I hear is how much money I don't have, this bill needs to be paid, etc....
*Recently I didn't take any pain pills during the day and was in a really good mood, laughing and all, and all anyone had to say is "How many pills have you taken and what have you done with KayLeigh?".
*I think people talk about me behind my back so I try and listen in on anything I can...which isn't often I might add because I have hearing problems from chemo.
*The only people I hang out with are Justin (The brother I live with), my Parents, and my brother Shane and his kids and my brother Sean and his family if they are around.
*I am very obsessive about music and movies and such and I get very offended if no body will listen with me or watch with me when I ask.
*I am constantly having some sort of pain in my body...which is hard for people to believe...but its true. One minute I might me having a pain in my arm and the next minute I have pain in my foot.
*Pain is so hard for me to deal with.... my doctor says that its the combination of everything that makes everything intolerable, that most people just have "back pain"... not "back pain, knee pain, arm pain, stomach issues, cramping in feet and legs, swelling, numbness, wounds that wont heal, migraines, asthma, low oxygen, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, PTSD, etc...
*I hate asking for help...when I set up my "gofundme" account I seriously put so much thought and sweat into it that when it came down to making a decision I cried about it for days. It bugs me still that I did that and I over analyze everything and everyone that I ask for help from. Seriously, I know that some people CANNOT financially help me and I am FINE with that as I understand.... but that person could still be capable of "Sharing" my story. Everyday I think about closing it and giving back all the money but I know deep down how much I need this dog yesterday.
*I just lost my health benefits thru my work and it bothers me so much, its all I can think about as I don't have the money to pay for my prescriptions which need to be filled now. And since I had cancer all I have been told is "Insurance, insurance, insurance" from my parents.
*I haven't worked since the middle of June as my doctors haven't released me to work yet... and I have been told that I will be terminated by Sept 20th if I am not back. If I cant go back than it is SSI for me which haunts me a lot... how will I ever get my own place? How will I pay off my bills?

I think that is enough for now.
I'm sorry if I come across overbearing, ungrateful, needy, that I don't care or listen, and/or confusing at times.

I am not going to stop trying to better myself, stop trying to go back to church, or stop trying to get my service dog.







I know how much a Service Dog would change everything above because I see how much that silly kitten at my parents over the summer helped and how much Lucy helps me... but to be able to have a Service Dog to go everywhere with me and be a second pair of eyes, that can help me get out and about to do the things my heart so desires, that will help me get out walking so that I can maybe loose some weight and get off some heavy medication, and help me go to sleep when I should and wake up at a reasonable time WILL HELP so so much!!! I know it!!! I wont give up.




I know that the Gospel is true, and I know that at church and thru callings and going to the temple I will find peace and comfort as I did before....I wont give up on trying to go back to it all.